Plan C

So my 32nd year on this  earth, aka 2020, wasn’t the year I, or anyone else  for that matter,  thought it would be at the start… .It was the start of new decade and for me, 32  has always been my “lucky” number so as I blew out my candles to start that next trip around the sun, I  exhaled many dreams and hopes that this  new year would bring.

In my mind, 32 was my year to  no  longer just survive but to  THRIVE – February came and went and then quickly hit with the horrific realities of loved ones with  cancer and suffering , saying goodbye too soon  and  navigating  grief and  then  of course COVID   (and not even mentioning the dumpster fire of the American politically climate of 2020)  and challenges and really, just plain hard things that were not suppose to be a part of the “deal”….for friends that have been “here” for a while you may remember my original “Plan  C Blog,” which I wrote when I was pregnant with Henley. It  was my  amateur attempts of capturing living authentically through the unexpected… the funny thing,  even though, I knew better, it almost felt like that would be it…. Life’s crazy surprises would stop at “Plan C,” things would get back to “the plan” now after we got through that season of uncertainty, ahhh silly girl!  

It’s funny how we take things like a new decade or a new year or “season”  and think “okay, things will  go “the way they should”  now that that’s over” ….  Time and time again, I have a short term memory lapse and need reminded that no matter how hard we grasp for control or sometimes just naïvely stroll through our days thinking we know what tomorrow will bring, really, life’s uncertainties are the only real thing we can bank on…. Even after  eye opening experiences,   sometimes I   still get that  that false sense of control and sometimes it takes a year like this  to step out from the fog and start  embracing  the unknown again. I feel like a bit like Elsa, ” into the unkownnnnnnnn”- can you tell I am a Mom?!?

For me, especially the last few years after having a baby, I have had my mind focused on where I need to be ( careers, as a parent, homes, relationships #adulting) … and while I don’t think that’s a  bad mentality and having “goals” has certainly been instrumental to my  successes –  sometimes  that mind frame make’s it easy to overlook the present, gives us that false sense of control, sometimes has us trapped In comparison. When I have a future mentality, it is easy for me to. forget to be grateful for the moment when I am always looking towards the “next thing”… As much  as we can hope and plan and goodness, even do the work , “life” sometimes just has other plans.Sometimes these “other plans”  are  extremely painful and seemingly unfair but then other times they are  amazingly beautiful beyond our  wildest dreams — e.g my Henley Marigold!

If Iam giving an honest reflection, year 32  had its fair share of both thriving and surviving both amazing and also crappy  circumstances …It’s  been difficult navigating the delicate balance to   find the ability to “dream”and not get completely consumed  and numbed by the uncertainty but  to be able to appreciate the moment   at the same time . I have a feeling I’m not alone in that…

My wish/prayer for 33 is that I don’t let difficult circumstance  or whatever this next year holds numb me from dreaming, moving forward  or doing good and and most importantly, from sometimes simply sitting in peace during the  waiting… I think the key for me  is seeing the  beauty that is already right in front of my face… even in the toughest of days and circumstances, God’s mercies are new E V E RY D A Y …My goodness am I blessed. When I actually take a moment to fill myself with gratitude, instead of sitting in, “pity party for 1, your table is now ready” mode, I  am just overwhelmed with love … I never want to overlook the amazing gifts in my life and my prayer and hope is to continue to fill my heart with gratitude for this life I been chosen to live and the love that I get to experience daily ….

Since college I’ve clung to the verse John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.“  … As I put Henley to sleep oh my birthday I grabbed a random book off  her shelf and read her a story  called “Take heart my Child”  ….here is a passage: 

“T he stars lit the sky with vision of gold

Laced with wishes for your fate to unfold. 

May you strive  to be happy, change your course If you’re not

embrace the worlds colors

Colors others forgot

but if you grow Lonely or stars disappear 

take heart my child, I will always be near”

Take Heart my Child by Ainsley Earhardt

Maybe picking up that book on  my birthday was a sweet reminder to  “take heart” as I start out on year 33 … writing this long winded post not just as a “dear diary” but also to encourage my friends  to continue to “take heart” and to find peace through the uncertainty of life, and love in the most unexpected or overlooked places …I’ll stop rambling now but “Take Heart” and much love to you all and thank you for making life special Xoxo 

Cheers to 33 🍷

To my baby on her first Birthday,

 

My beautiful Henley Marigold, I type this as the tears start to well in my eyes, reminiscing on this year.  I really didn’t think I was going to get emotional over you turning one… but here we are and here I go…

We did it, we made it a whole year together, never spending one of those 365 days apart.  It is hard to remember life before you, my sweet girl, but also feels like your dad and I were just driving to hospital, as a party of two. Our lives were forever changed on that sunny, November morning, the day after Thanksgiving.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were a little girl. I just had an overwhelming, unexplainable feeling. Which is sort of funny because, as you are probably well aware, we didn’t plan for you. Even though I was not entirely (understatement) prepared for you, one thing that has becomes clearer to me with each passing day; you were always a part of God’s design in my life.  I was made to be your mommy and I am blessed with the most precious gift. I will never stop praising the lord for my little miracle.

Since the very beginning you have shown me strength like no other…. You gave us a scare (luckily a scare is all it was) in the hospital with a blood incompatibility.  At just a few days old, you were being poked, prodded and confined to your little isolate. But even as a fragile little newborn baby, you were so calm and peaceful.  Daddy and I were in awe of this tiny little tough girl.

Not only did you show me your strength but you have given me a new found force of my own….For you, I can do and will do anything. This is not because I feel so strong and capable. There are times, more than I like to admit, I still feel inadequate and weak .In spite of it all, my mom power is in knowing I will never give up on anything for you. I will always give you my all.  In just a short year, we’ve already made it through hospital stays, c- section recovery, countless sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles ( whoever came up with the phrase “don’t cry over spilt milk” clearly never BF),  12 months of pumping, 5 rounds of mastitis( seriously BF was so tough- but worth it), leaving home, living in far off places, taking leaps of faith, coming back home, FPIES diagnosis and navigating everything that comes with it, Ambulance trips, bumps and boo boos … I would hate to look at my search history and see just how many hours ( and into the wee hours of night) I spent goggling just to make sure I was doing the “right thing”.  A few weeks into your life, I remember thinking….

“I don’t think I am ever going to get a good nights sleep ever again, like ever, because I don’t think its possible that I will ever stop worrying about you”

 … I also remember thinking; “ I  really should’ve had a puppy first to try this whole taking care of another  living creature 24/27 thing”. 

Your Aunt let me help a little with your cousins, so you aren’t  a complete Guiney pig but there is a lot of trail and error going on…. As we keep writing  new chapters together, I am sure I will make mistakes, but goodness, do I love being one of the leading characters in your book.

You keep me on my toes, girlfriend but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I gave you birth but YOU make me feel ALIVE, sometimes I feel like a sleepless zombie but mostly ALIVE.  You make everything brighter my little GOLDIE- Marigold and I would use my last breath if it was all I had to protect you.

Henley you are a dream. I could never even wish for a happier more joyful baby.

In 365 days you filled my heart with enough love to last a lifetime. .. I’ve  had the privilege of watching you grow and learn each day. It has been so fulfilling witnessing you take in the world around you for the first time.  Like I said before, you are strong. You demonstrated your super strength from day one, lifting your head and each month so eager to move on to the next new milestone. You took off walking at 10 months and there is no slowing you down, girl.  You are determined but you are even more just so silly. You love to  doing things to make other people laugh, like put blankets over your head, and stick your hands out and growl and goodness, that giggle of yours is the sweetest sound. Even your little baby cry ‘’’ ahhh geee”  melts me. Don’t even get me started on that cute little dance  you do moving your bum anytime we start to sing “bouncey bouncey bounce.”

You’ve been my little side kick through it all, everyday.  I am quite convinced, that no one will ever think I am cooler than you do right now. You are my little shadow and follow me everywhere I go. Even when you are sleeping, I can still feel your little arms wrap around me to ensure I am still holding on to you. I love being the person you need the most. Sweet girl, I will never stop holding you. Even when you get big, you can always reach out for me. My arms will always be there to wrap you up in warmth.

 

Henley you make me a better version of myself. When you were born, it was like something inside me shifted.  I wasn’t so worried about how to get rid of this new squishy body of mine, or the scar that will forever remind me of our 9 months together, like I thought I would be before I became a mom.  You help me live more authentically and love more intensely than I could have even imagined. You showed me how to concern myself a little less about the superficial,  be present in the moment, care about the things that matter and forget the rest. I was just a girl myself only one short year ago …. and Henley,  you were the metamorphosis that changed  me into a mommy.

 

I could keep going forever with how you have changed my life but I will just wrap this letter up and say CHEERS to one year, baby girl. Your first trip around the sun has been so bright … I wish I could freeze time and have you as my little baby forever but I know I have to let you grow.  I am okay with it though because  I know you have so much love to offer this big world. As your mom, I have hopes and dreams for you in the years to come but if none of them but one come true, I hope it is that you will always know how loved you are by me, daddy and so many others and loved most of all by Jesus. I am going to end with a quote from a book we read together almost every night before bed ….

“And no matter what places you travel to, what wonders you chose to see, I will always belong right here with you and you will always belong with me.”

Happy first Birthday Henley Marigold,

Love you forever,

Mommy

 

I tend to write a lot about faith on my blog, which might strike some as odd, considering I have been to church maybe once, besides the holidays (shout out to all my Chirstmas and Easter peeps- I see you🙋🏻‍♀️) since I found out I was pregnant. I am not exactly out there living in the “word.” Unwed mother doesn’t scream model Jesus follower, ya know?  I admittedly have shied away a bit from organized “church.” However, anytime I do some searching of that heart of mine, I tend to find myself looking through the lens that sets it’s focus on my own faith in God.  God’s faithfulness is something I have clung to throughout every uncertainty that has been Plan C ( and the rest of my life, for that matter) and is something I hope to share with my baby as she grows…..

On February 4^th, Henley Marigold was baptized into faith. This was something I comptemplanted a lot but ultimately wanted for my daughter. In my opinion, faith should be your own personal choice, one Henley will have to make on her own one day.  I personally do not believe there is any magic in getting baptized and I certainly don’t belive my sweet two month old baby had any “sins” that she needed washed away in that water, but yet, I still wanted to have her a Christening Day. I wanted to do this because I wanted to create a foundation for her and show her that her dad and I, with the help of her Godparents and our family are committed to raising her up in God’s love. It’s my prayer that she will always knows the peace of Jesus, the light of his love, and the joy of his spirit within her to help her “take heart” through this life… that is why, we chose to have Henley baptized. Welllll…..and  the pomp and circumstance….I love any excuse to get dressed up and have party 💁🏻‍♀️

Henley was baptized in the same church I was, almost 30 years to the date.  The church has had a bit of a face lift but the Priest who baptized me actually did the mass leading up to Henley’s baptism, which was pretty cool!

 

 

 

 The Dress… the real reason a girl wants to get Baptized😉

First and foremost, I need to state how crazy, stupid expensive baby christening outfits are… it is RI-DIC-U-LOUS. Seriously,  I need to get into that biz.🤑. I really wish Henley  could have gone vintage and could have worn mine, but my mom had no idea what she did with it- 3rd child life! So after ordering a discount purchase on  Amazon ( you can seriously buy EVERYTHING on amazon) for Henley’s dress that slightly resembled a table cloth, my Gram stepped in and  really wanted Henley ( and me) to have something special. She offered to purchase us another  beautiful gown from a local boutique, chosen  with my mom’s help! It was so sweet 🙂 The pictures do not do it justice- it is super hard to maneuver a squirmy baby in an oversized dress-FYI. She looked like a little angel… but  she wasn’t a fan of wearing her bonnet ( Jon said her bonnet made her  look amish/ traveling the Oregon trail etc. etc. the jokes were flowing).  It was almost worth the small fortune to see how darling she looked in her dress- almost!

 

J and I  chose my sister, Krista and my brother- in-law Ryan to be Henely’s Godparents. The choice was easy. Krista and Ryan have 3 little boys, so this a was chance for them to have “their girl” without, risking “trying for one” and  getting another set of twin boys 😉 . I have looked up to my sister for as long as I can remember. She has always been my role model. Like Henley, she is the first born girl in our family. I know she will play such an important role in Henley’s life,  guiding her through every step and stage, helping her pick out prom dresses and probably buying her a shot on her 21^st birthday- Godparents can’t be all business 😈 . Ryan has become the brother I never had and basically treats me like one of his own sisters ( always picking on me and the reason I am aunt Bey…orgianlly aunt B****… you get the picture!). In all seriousness, Ryan and Krista have always, always been there for me. They are amazing and patient parents to their boys. I continue to look up to them for guidance. I know they will be great Godparents to Henley and take a special interest in her life.  She one lucky little lady!

The whole baptism process had me thinking a lot about my hopes and dreams for Henley. I hope she grows up to have a sweet heart, and treats others with compassion. The world can be cruel and I hope she stands up for others that can’t stand up for themselves, even when it isn’t the easy thing to do. I hope she shows kindness to people, even if they don’t “deserve it.”  I hope she isn’t afraid to fail, because in those moments, she will learn so much about herself. I hope she never has her heart broken but when she does, as I’m sure she will, I hope she uses it to find out just how strong she truly is. I hope she is confident in herself and always knows her worth. I hope she won’t place her value in material things of this world, how many likes she gets on instgram ( if that even will still be a thing), beauty or wealth, because Lord ( and her mamma) knows that all is fleeting, if you enter that rat race, you will never, ever measure up, there will always be something or someone more “er” (… prettier, smarter, richer, insert whatever “er” you like ) than you. But rather, I hope she roots her significance in that she is a child of God….

I am sure she will find out sooner, rather than later, that she wasn’t planned by her parents and I hope that never makes her feel any less than. I love this scripture…

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
  My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

-Psalms 138: 13-17

 

I hope Henley knows that even though she wasn’t originally part of my plan, she was always a part of Gods. She is Fearfully and wonderfully made. She is a MIRACLE. Before I even knew she was there, God  loved her and knew her, and he knew who she would be and her purpose….. that brings so much joy to my heart and I hope, one day, hers as well. What an honor it is to shape her into the person God has created her to be. Henley Marigold, your life is such a gift to me and I am so lucky to watch it unfold…. I thank God everyday for you, my precious girl! I am so, so, blessed to be your Mamma. Thank you for  sweetly reminding me, of just how faithful God truly is…

xoxo Heather

 

 

 

 

 

 

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More Christening Pics 

📸Cred- Cousin Dan

 

 

 

Eight weeks ago we welcomed our baby girl into the world… really? How could it be eight weeks already? The nights are long but the days are short. Time most certainly is flying and those little newborn clothes that once were swimming on that tiny little 7lbs 14 oz baby are fitting snug on our growing little girl… I already wish life would slow down and that I could freeze time. I know these precious moments are fleeting and I am trying my best to soak up every minute of this utopia, where all my attention can go to my sweet girl- every baby snuggle, even every late night feeding- because I know it won’t be like this for long.

Wanting to be “in the moment” is partially why I have not taken time to write….well that combined with the sheer exhaustion of taking care of a newborn, an extra stay at the hospital, holidays, the whole family catching and passing around the stomach bug that was so eloquently dubbed the “butt plague,” myself getting a case of mastitis etc. etc., has made me one tired new momma. Lets say, I haven’t had trouble taking to the wise parenting philosophy, “nap when the baby naps.” However, since this blog started with the news of our Plan C, It seemed odd not to share the story of her arrival. So here it is, for your reading pleasure…

On{black}Friday, November 24^th,, bellies still full from a great Thanksgiving the day before, Jonathan and I woke up to a bright, crisp fall day in Pittsburgh. The long awaited day had arrived. We were headed to West Penn hospital to meet the one who was about to change our lives forever. This was a week before her anticipated due date, but it actually was no surprise. At my 38 week doctor visit, it was realized that baby girl was hanging out in the breech position-meaning head up, legs down, which I guess is a “no no” for giving birth-and was looking like she wasn’t going to budge, even with a version (which I actually thought was called an aversion until I just looked it up now…learn something new), where they try flipping the baby manually. The doctors informed me it was in my best interest for them to “take” the baby no later than 39 weeks and not wait around for my due date-NOV 30^th.  It was GO TIME! They wanted to schedule me for a c-section in the next few days. J and I were taken by surprise (for about the millionth time this year). I was actually told at my 36 week check up that baby girl was head down, so she either is a little gymnast and did a last minute flip or the doctors initially got it wrong, anyway, it didn’t really matter, she was coming now, ready or not!

 

The good news, I had been mentally preparing myself for a c-section this entire pregnancy. Both my mom and sister shared the same fate. However, they both endured 36+ hours of intense labor that ended up in emergency c-sections, so I did get lucky and was spared from that family tradition. It felt weird for something as spontaneous as labor and delivery to be so planned. However, scheduling the birth of our baby was actually sort of nice. We didn’t have to be at the hospital until 9am on c-section day so I was able to leisurely wake up, take a shower, do my hair to look somewhat presentable walking into the hospital. I was pretty naïve to think my fresh face would last. My sisters always joked with me and said I was going to have a “GlAM” team in the delivery room… ya that wasn’t the case. I tried a little, I really did. I curled my hair, I was make up-free with the exception of lipstick, of course!💁🏻‍♀️💄Still by the time I came into recovery, all the lipstick in the world could not have helped… Hello preggo swollen face and crazy hair! And in that moment, and a lot a moments since, the amount of F’s given were about 0… hmm, guess I’ll blame it on the drugs…..

 

Speaking of the drugs, obviously, undergoing an intense surgery, I was heavily medicated. Going into it, I thought it would just effect me physically and didn’t actually realize cognitively how loopy I would get. Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe the drugs but now looking back on everything, my memory is foggy at best. So this recap isn’t as detailed I would like. I was given a “spinal” before surgery, which was glorious and totally not as scary as I thought. I could not feel a THING! I still remember the anesthesia Doc laughing at me when she asked me to try to push my legs up…not happenin’ bro! I couldn’t feel anything but did sort of feel them wriggling the baby out, which was a super weird sensation. J said I was talking to him and all of sudden he just saw my head moving back and forth like a rag doll as they were tugging  the baby out-crazy! All and all I could have not asked for a smoother surgery, everything was super routine. We went in to the OR at 11am and boom, boom bang, we had a baby before 11:26am.

Meeting Our Baby

At 11:26am- Although, Jon swears it was 11: 24 on 11/24, which would have been cooler, I must admit- Henley Marigold entered this world with a loving yell. As she was lifted over the curtain, I saw that little squishy face for the very first time and I honestly think I was in shock. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t overcome by emotion, that did come, but not right then. In that moment, I couldn’t quite comprehend this amazing gift I had just received. I was simply in awe that this was our baby and she was here. As we went into recovery I couldn’t take my eyes off of this beautiful baby… could she really be mine? She definitely looked like Jon’s little mini! Did we really create this sweet little person. Wow, I am someone’s mom…” such a surreal feeling that hasn’t yet even worn off these past 2 months. Here is this little sweet face on Day 1 of her life with the world  ahead of her. What in the world did I do to deserve such a love?

“When I’m in the sweet daughter’s eyes
My heart is now ruined for the rest of all time…”

Someone sort of crudely, although, I don’t think they meant it offensively, said to me…. “Can you believe there was a time you didn’t want her and prayed her away?” Although the question was sort of harsh, it made me think just how amazing God’s plan really is. Something that initially I thought would “ruin” my life, my dreams and my plans has completely given me a new, fuller beyond belief, amazing purpose. Thinking of it, she was not an unanswered prayer, she was the prayer I didn’t know I needed to pray that God blessed me with anyhow. Of course, I still have my worries and doubts those didn’t magically go away. Our obstacles are not yet in the rearview mirror but there is one thing I can say with certainty, all the proof in God I need is in my sweet Henley, my gift from the heavens and I am so privileged to be her momma.

Mistake 

Burden

Inconvience 

Accident

Punishment

MIRACLE 

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Coombs Baby

I will say, my “momma insticts” didn’t just appear. I wasn’t one of those moms who felt this instinctual bond, weeping for joy in the delivery room- if you watched the video, I  think I called her “crusty”… probably not the best  “mom” reaction.🙈   I think I truly was  astonished. I had 9 months to prepare myself for this very moment but that didn’t really matter. Maybe it was because I had scheduled c-section and the build up of labor wasn’t there. To tell you the truth, I am not really sure why…. Not that I didn’t instantly love her, I did,  but it wasn’t “like the movies” as they say. I didn’t truly get the glimpse of how deep a mothers’ heart can love until a few days of having the title “Henley’s Mom.” Shortly after Henley was born-I think it was night 2 but honestly, there goes my loopiness again, I really can’t quite remember… thank you pain pills-  we were told that Henley was something called “Coombs Positive” and was having an ABO incompatibility complications. It took us a few days to really understand what being a “coombs baby” really meant. Simply explained, this meant that my blood type ( O+) and Henley’s Blood type (A) were not compatible and some of our blood mixed either in the womb or at birth causing my antibodies to get into her blood. These Antibodies were attacking or breaking Henley’s red blood cells causing something hyperbilirubinemia .  Bilirubin—it’s a substance that comes from the breakup of hemoglobin in dead red blood cells (  I had to google this ALOT!). And when you have too much bilirubin in your body you become jaundice. A lot of babies are born with Jaundice but the concern with a coombs baby is the antibodies keep attacking so it’s hard to control and the levels can get dangerously high. Before this, I didn’t realize that being Jaundince was really all that  dangerous. I thought it just made babies look a llittle yellow. Actually I thought Henelys coloring looked great at first … It though! Yay she has her dads dark complextion and was born with a  little tan😎… I was wrong. The worry  comes with a coombs baby because the blood brain barrier on infants  is very thin and when the bilrubin levels keep elevating it can cause permanent hearing loss, brain damage, developmental issues and in very severe cases death.

During our initial hostpital stay the docs and nurses didn’t seem too alarmed and seemed to be confident they would get Henley’s levels under control. The nurses said they needed to take her into the nursery for a while so she could stay under the “lights” and receive phototherapy and that we needed to feed her a lot-every 2 hours or less. The Jaundice was making Henley super sleepy so we had to wake her up to feed and strip her down to her diaper during the feeding so she would stay awake. The goal was 1.) make sure she stayed hydrated and 2.) to get her to poop, and poop a lot to excrete out the excess billirubin.💩💩💩 Since I was breastfeeding, the docs/nurses needed to know how much she was getting so I had to pump after every feeding and feed her an additional 2 oz of pumped milk… Talk about team no sleep.

Our schedule went…..

• Feed…. which took at least a half hour as I was learning to breastfeed
• Put her right back into her isolette under the lights
• pump… I now know how barn yard animals feel 🐄
•  Then we had about 30ish minutes “break” until the next feeding to do it all over again.

We weren’t sure if we were going to have to extend our stay in the hospital but by the day we were scheduled to go home, the doctors felt that her levels were at a safe range to take her home. We just needed to get her checked the next day at the Pediatrician.

And this when I first felt my mommy instincts come to life. We came home from the hospital and by the very next morning Henley was back to looking like a little Pumpkin (there may or may not have been some Trump jokes thrown her way). We took her to see the Pediatrician early in the a.m.  to get checked. It was not the same Pediatrician who we had in the hospital so we had some paperwork to give her but basically had to explain Henley’s situation. I didn’t feel like she was understanding the questions Jon and I were asking her and it was in her opinion that she didn’t feel the need to run her blood work until the following week to check her levels. As we packed up to leave the doctor’s office, I looked at my sweet little baby and her yellow eyes and tears began to well up in mine. I knew something wasn’t right and had this overwhelming feeling that I just needed to protect her. We left the office and I was on the hunt to find a second opinion. I am thankful to have great friends and family in the medical community that assured me I was doing the right thing. I think J may have thought  I was being  slightly dramatic during my mini breakdown- Hey there Hormones!  We ended up seeing a long time family friend pediatrician who took one look at Henley and knew that her condition shouldn’t wait. She sent us to get Henley’s blood tested to evaluate her levels. A few hours later we  had the results and were back in hospital because her levels had elevated significantly to 22, the highest they had been in her short 6 days of life..

As we were admitted to the hospital, the emotions came flooding. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep, scared and feeling pretty helpless. I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to keep Henley safe and healthy. There it was-that feeling, I had only heard mom’s talk about before.  The first time, I felt my purpose…to love and protect her with everything I have. I myself was still in recovery. I was only a few days post surgery and still in a lot of pain, managing  sleeping on the hospital couch and trying to navigate nursing Henely in and out of the isolette.  All I could really do was feed her and pray. She had to stay in her little “tanning bed” so we couldn’t even hold her. J was such a trooper through it all. He only had a chair to sleep on but he never left our side. I am so grateful for that man and I do not know what I would have done without him…. Anyways, after 3 long days and nights in the hospital, long story short, Henely levels came down and had no sign of any cognitive damage…. Praise the lord!

My heart is so thankful all it turned out to be was a few extra sleepless nights at the hospital and  has been  healthy and fine ever since 🙏🏻This experience has given me a deeper meaning to the title “mom” and gave my heart even more empathy for all those other mamas and daddies out there who’s little ones are in the hospital in far much worse positions. It is a crazy, scary feeling and It makes me feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy baby girl. How truly lucky am I- each day is a blessing. I have a feeling this won’t be the last time Henley has me feeling helpless when I just want to protect and love her. In the past 2 months, J now has used the “Watch out Mamma Bear is coming out” phrase a time or two-meh hormones 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Henley Marigold

I may be biased but honestly Henley is such a sweet baby. She has been so good to us and so far has such a chill temperament. Her little personality is already starting to poke through when shows us her pretty little smile. Little girl also already can throw some serious shade and has mastered the RBF, for sure.  I can’t wait to see who she will become and it is so cool to think J and I will play such a big part of molding her into that person. We honestly did not have our name finalized for her until the delivery room. Jon was set on Henley but I wanted to see her first to see her personality and little face before we pulled the trigger on something so important as her name… I mean she has to live with it the rest of her life… talk about pressure! I am honestly not sure were we came up with Henley but it was pretty much the only name we both really agreed on together and we thought the  H squared aspect of it had a nice sound. Since  the name Henley sort of came out of the blue, we wanted her middle name to carry some meaning. Mary actually happens to be the name of both my grandma’s  and J’s grandma name was also Mary…so it was sort of a no brainer that we wanted to pass the Mary legacy onto our little girl. The downside, we didn’t love the way Henley Mary Henrici sounded- a little too vowel-y. And then somehow Marigold came to mind- maybe subliminally because I realized that is the name of my hand soap. Who knows??

My sisters actually hated Marigold so I was hesitant to use it but I really did like the meaning behind it. Marigold is actually rich in symbolism to The Virigin Mary too. “The gold petals are likened to rays of light crowning her head, and the prodigal color is related to the generous giving of herself to God’s plan”. Also, the legend of “Mary’s Gold”  is said that during Mary, Joseph and Jesus’ flight to Egypt they were accosted by robbers. When they opened Mary’s purse looking for gold the buds of marigolds fell to the out instead. ….Anywyas I thought that was pretty cool story. And While I am obviously no virgin Mary- DUH 🤷🏻‍♀️- her life is something  I looked to for inspiration during this pregnancy and trusting in God’s plan. A sweet family member brought it to my attention while I was pregnant that Mary went through an unplanned pregnancy ( although under different circumstances) too. She was scared and terrified but she fully trusted in God that he was FOR her and everything will work out for the good. Her faith in God is an amazing example that I kept in the back of mind when the road ahead  seemed so daunting.

Also … little side bonus… I am huge Downton Abbey fan and Marigold is Lady Edith’s daughter that she had out of wedlock so, you know, fitting. Something  else really cool is that Henley’s Birthstone is citrine/taupe  similar to the color of a Marigold… I just realized that one! 🌼🌼🌼🌼

Anyways, that is the story of how we came to name our sweet baby, Henley Marigold… It’s hard to think back on the terrified girl I was just 10 short months ago when I look into Henley’s beautiful face. The day she was born, my life stopped being all about myself and although that was my fear going into Plan C, it strangely is the most beautiful part about the whole thing. I was definitely afraid of losing myself and the truth is I am not the same person, I never will be.  The old me is still there but something inside has changed. She now is my life-long purpose and has made me something new… but where there is sacrifice, and oh, there is sacrifice ( my old carefree life, sleep, time, money, my body -aww,  how I miss crop tops and not feeling like the Pillsbury doughboy),  love completely over shines and all of that other stuff fades in the background. I still have my moments of selfishness and personal desires….shoo,  I still wish I could be traveling to Napa for my 30th birthday next month like I thought I would do pre-baby. Becoming a mom didn’t erase all of that, nor should it completely, I guess, but when I look at Henley all my own wants seem a little smaller because she has given me a love like no other and I want to give her the world. I know that being her Momma is the BEST thing I ever get the privilege to be!

Cheers to 2 months with our little Plan C,  sweet Henely Marigold, the ray of gold making our world brighter than we could’ve ever imagined….

xoxo Heather

When I met that Florida boy what was now almost 5 years ago on a beautiful November weekend in Pittsburgh, I never imagined what life would turn into, I just knew I wanted to keep knowing him more. Looking back, Jon may have knew something I did not, since he apparently signed the guestbook at the wedding where we met, “Future Mr. Heather Shiwarski,” or so I’ve been told.  Since our magnetic meeting at the wedding, we’ve talked pretty much every day, shared many adventures, racked up the frequent flyer and miles on J’s ol’ 4 runner. We’ve traveled near and far and  up and down the east coast way too many times to even try to count. It has been said that  distance will make or break you, and If I do say so myself, I think we pretty much nailed this long-distance relationship thing. Some may argue maybe a little too well because it has taken us this long to actually find a way to be together…..

Although, I would say we have the LDR ( LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP) down to science, 4+ years together just didn’t “happen.” It took work, some confusion, patience and learning to love each other the best we can from 900 miles apart. I consider myself a pretty laid back go with the flow type of person, that is until, I met J. I fell in love with his easy going personality but shoo, it took me quite a while to understand his One Man Wolf Pack,  Alan from the hangover, mentality. Don’t get me wrong, Jon is a serious social butterfly, he will spark up a conversation with just about anyone, anywhere, but he is also fiercely independent. I guess I will credit that to his only child upbringing, but honestly, he doesn’t really need anybody. For the most part, he is content out there on his own, doing his own thing. And then I came along…

There was this confusing time, when we were first  starting out, where I didn’t even know he was all that interested in me. But hold on…. I’ll tell you why…. We didn’t get to see each other all that much, obviously with the distance, and when I approached him about the status of our relationship… The “what are we talk”…. he told me to date other people if I wanted…..  Say what??? He said, “he didn’t want to hold me back.” I was seriously so confused. I cried. I Facebook stalked to see if he had another girl in his life. it wasn’t pretty.  Not my finest hour. Here I was, pretty into this guy, and he told me it was okay if I  wanted to go out with other people?? I was discouraged. I was so accustomed to guys being possessive and that totally isn’t Jon, which actually turns out to be  one of the things I love about him now.  So anyways, there was this weird 6 month period or so where I was going out on dates with other people because I didn’t think he was interested. I was seriously bummed because I was drawn to him unlike any other  guy I had met before.

Well low and behold, he had no clue I felt like this until one night I had a little too much vino and laid it all out there… Holla Liquid Courage 🙌🏻🍷… J was apparently Mr. oblivious and actually thought all was good and we were exclusively dating that whole time. NOT on the same page, clearly. … After this, head scratching period and what some might call a bumpy start,  we needed to learn how to communicate  with one another if we were gonna do this. I  came to a conclusion, that the way J shows and wants to receive love is much different than my own… Soooo J was a good sport and he actually  did that love language quiz with me to prove my theory correct! I forget our actual results now but have you ever seen that quote, feed me and tell me I am pretty??… Ya, I think that was made for me. I like attention and affirmation and Jon is sort of the opposite. Although, we are really different in this way, the thing I love about J, is that even though it is not his instinct to inherently do some of things that I “need” to feel loved, he listens and if he knows something is important to me, he goes against his nature and makes the effort, like getting my goodnight call every night before bed. Those little things are what has kept us ( me mostly) going. It took us sometime to figure it out but the 1 person Wolf Pack did indeed grow to 2!

                                                               One of Many Road Trips 

With that small background about our long distance love, our LDR was going strong. We were very much in love and ready to take the next step in our relationship and about a year ago we started getting serious about living in the same city. We proved we could handle the distance but knew life was much better by each other’s side and wanted to share an everyday life together. This is the time last year I was hoping to get transferred with my old job- in my earlier blog post you heard how that all went down. The “plan” was to move to the same area and after some time of getting adjusted and making sure we could make a move work, we would get engaged, get married, maybe get another dog and live happily ever after yadi yadi yada …. Well as you all know by now, our little plan C came along and changed EVERYTHING.

Long distance pregnancy ( LDP)  is a whole new ballgame with a whole new set of challenges. I remember the first night I took the pregnancy test, as we hung up the phone, thinking I wish we could just be together right now. Not really knowing what the other was feeling in that moment.  It was tough, I  wanted to be in his presence. As reality  of the pregnancy set in, our slowly integrating but independent lives needed to find a way to immediately merge together in a way they never “HAD” to before. I suddenly had this little being inside of me that is ½ of me and ½ J and we have to figure out a way to symbiotically move together as collective team to make it all work out. Not that I didn’t before, but I totally see why babies, in a perfect world, come after marriage…after that solid, 2 become 1 team is already built.  Not that it is impossible or can’t be done but building “the team” while preggo definitely complicates almost everything.

To state the obvious being a pregnant “baby momma” in Pittsburgh with my “baby daddy” in Florida creates quite the logistical conundrum, especially in the very early stages when we were tight lipped about the pregnancy and trying to see each other as much as possible to make sense of it all. Navigating scheduling and making it to appointments wasn’t super easy. My first doctor appointment, Jon did everything in his power to be there with me. He made the 30 hour road trip to Pittsburgh with two dogs in tow, to be in town for just 48 hours, so he could be by my side. Turns out we didn’t find out that much in that appointment. Some test were ordered but we never really got that confirmation, you are  for sure having a baby, and I think we were  also still somewhat in denial, so we didn’t want to spill the beans to my parents just yet. That would come after appointment #2.

A flight was booked for this appointment, a flight that was canceled and didn’t allow him to get in town until a day late so he actually missed appointment #2. My sister, Krista, went with me and this is where we first heard the baby’s heart beat. Now we knew this was indeed the THE REAL DEAL. Jon and I had to a very small window of time in that trip to tell my parents but we did, at the very last minute, right before I had to take J to the airport to catch his flight- He had an escape plan incase it didn’t go well😉  Luckily my parents are wonderfully supportive and  he went back to Florida to tell his parents and I wasn’t able to be there for that…. Secretly ( not so secretly) happy about that one, I would have been petrified to be in on that convo! With a lot of planning and prep, Jon has been able to make it to the all the big appointments like the ultrasounds and anatomy scan, but because of the distance, I mostly  do it  alone. Which sounds like a bigger deal than it is…. Mostly you just hop into the doctors office, they take your vitals, I pee in a cup, measure my belly and then they send me on my merry little way. I call J with the report after and he really hasn’t missed much in that regard.

Although, some things are harder than others…. the aspect of this LDP that is probably the hardest, for me, is not having my person with me day and day out. Of course we faceTime and talk everyday but just because of distance we can’t physically be by each others side. As much as I would like to say, “ I got this, I am an independent woman, hear me roar,” the early months when I was super sick, I needed help, I just did. Luckily, I do have a great family who steps in and takes care of me when Jon could not physically be there. I might still be laying on a bathroom floor somewhere if it wasn’t for all the TLC from my fam.  Also, I won’t even get into the mess that is assembling baby furniture alone  with a preggo belly … Tears were shed, words that began with F my have been muttered…. Jon told me to take some deep breathes set it aside and he will handle it when he gets here. …nesting emotions are real people!

As my pregnancy has progressed, all the different physically transformations and baby kicks and movements that I feel and live with 24/7, I do wish J would  be able to experience with me too. I guess when you are carrying a child inside of you, the mother always probably feels a bit more connected to the pregnancy before the baby is born, no matter circumstance. Pregnancy is the mother’s reality all day, every day, so how could she not? However, with distance, sometimes I feel the need to remind J, “oh hey, remember, I am pregnant… this baby bump (aka our daughter) moves around and squirms inside of me, hiccups, kicks and keeps me up all night and makes me pee every 10 minutes! Just a little FYI incase you forgot today! I don’t want him to miss out. I want him to see and feel and be a part of everything too. And also sometimes, admittedly,  these feelings come a bit selfishly… My life changed completely the day I took that pregnancy test and I am not sure that Jon’s will fully until this baby girl makes her debut into this world. Sometimes I have  had these feelings that it isn’ really all that fair, that he gets to go and have the same life he always lived ( for now)  and people might not even  have any idea he expecting this baby.  Yet here I am, having  to wear it around like a badge of honor each an every day, getting the stare down like I am in the circus  from strangers every time I enter  a room… Why yes that is my pregnant belly you are looking at strange man at the grocery store!   I am sure this is somewhat the case for all couples but  with distance it does seem to get amplified.

          Sending Belly Vids the Daddy to be! 

When we do have our small windows to be together, sometimes I feel like all I do or want to do, but stop myself, is talk about the baby. I really didn’t want to be that person. You know the type… the pregnant chick that only ever talks about being pregnant. I didn’t want to lose our own identity as a couple. I tried, I really did, but with so much swirling in my head all day, everyday, when we are together it is like I am on overdrive of baby talk to get it all out. When you have a LDP you have a lot to figure out and not much time together so it all has to be crammed in there like an overstuffed suitcase. I’ve even made checklist on my phone before visits to make sure we don’t forget something that needs to me done or discussed… and I am not even  a planner!  Sometimes I wish we had more downtime together so this wasn’t that case and our time together wasn’t fully dedicated to baby and life planning but you gotta do what you gotta do, I suppose. 9 months sure does go fast!

So as I write this, I do feel like I am sheding a LDP somewhat negatively. And well yes, it has been a challenging season for me, but I don’t want to completely be a Negative Nancy because it has also taught me to really appreciate our time together and our relationship. I know we won’t have many more days just the two of us so I really want to make each day we have together special (in between all of the baby talk). We aren’t even parents yet but I think it has taken our relationship to a new level of intimacy, realness and love.  We are learning a lot everyday  and don’t get me wrong, we still don’t have “it” figured out completley  just yet, but the thing that gives me the most hope is  we are working on it…together as own little makeshift team.

For me, part of writing this blog was to get over the insecurity of caring about what everyone else thinks about me, my life and certainly this plan C situation. I wanted to be honest and authentic and put it out there, like it or love it style. While that is all good and fine while I am hiding behind a commuter screen, once and a while, I still struggle with   those feelings of insecurity in day to day life. Not having my guy by beside day in and day out has tested my strength in this area.

Just a few examples for ya….

I signed up to tour the hospital where the baby will be delivered. Well, the hospital only does these types of classes and tours on certain days and times of the month and the only one that wasn’t full,  was a time when Jon wasn’t able to be in town…..So I was going to have to go alone. But not really alone, my mom went with me for moral support. She even took a half-day of work to come with me, which was super nice of her. She really is so great. Nevertheless, I was insecure walking into the room. What would people think of me? Where is her man? Does she not have one? Wonder what her story is? They were strangers, what should I care???…. But for some reason, I still did.We had to go around the room and introduce ourselves and our partners…. There was one other woman who was there by herself but she gave the explanation why she was there without her partner. When it was my turn to speak, I just said Hi, I am Heather and this my mom.  no mention of my baby’s father. I  played it cool but deep down I was wondering if people were judging. hate it, but I was.

Also, about a month ago, a great uncle passed away, and one of the first thoughts to pop into my head, weren’t my condolence, they were, Oh great, now I am going to be at a funeral with a bunch of relatives I only see every 5 years and explain myself. Ya… Well I went to the funeral and actually I froze. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it.  I was sort of like, well hey,  if they aren’t going to bring it up, I guess I won’t either. My sister, Ashley, joked with me and said I kept awkwardly putting my purse in front of my belly…  Maybe it was subconscious thing but ya, like that was going to hide it… I am clearly pregnant and they probably felt awkward asking, I mean I felt awkward so they probably did too… as much as I have been embracing this pregnancy, Sometimes I do still have moments of insecurity.

What we all know to be true, the rumor mill does seem to run wild with a LDP or any pregnancy outside of marriage for that matter. Just look at at those Kardashians😉I hear it all the time about others and shamefully, I have partaken in the past. My unplanned pregnancy has been no exception  and has not escaped it’s fair share of gossip.  I grew up in a big city that yet still  has a very small town feel,  where  everyone still knows everything about everyone and of course word always gets back on the juicy buzz. Apparently there was a rumor going around, as heard from an anonymous source, that J  threatened me and gave me an ultimatum that  he would have nothing to do with me or the baby if we did not move to Florida…hmmm fake news… Not sure where this one quite comes from along with some others that I won’t bother sharing. I suprisngly don’t really let that kind of stuff eat away at me but when you hear that people you haven’t seen in years are talking one far fetch thing behind your back, you sort of  wonder, what else is being said and what  do they actually think to be true about you?

Reflecting on these feelings has me thinking a lot of why? Why do I care? I would be lying to say that I don’t or I won’t, because I think I will always care what other people think about me, that is just me. I guess the better question is , Where I am placing my value and self worth for me to get so worried of what others think? What don’t I have to be proud of? And what I am trying to prove anyway? Even during times when I feel fickle, I always find myself turning back to God … if he loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections, why can’t I love myself the same way? Sometimes I have a hard time accepting God’s Grace. This LDP has taught me that much about myself. It has humbled me in a way I have never really experienced before and although sometimes I still crave to have that instagram worthy, picture perfect life and wish I could be that person, I can’t help but feel a sense of overhwelimg relief that if God can love me and my mess, that I should really embrace his grace, not try to cover up any blemish but accept them and let him reveal their beauty in me.  I often  pray that very love and grace is all the confidence I need to face the world no matter what life throws at me.

This seaons keeps teaching me new things everyday but it is almost time for the next chapter in our book. J,  is on his way and moving up to Pittsburgh  for the next few months as we welcome our little girl into the world! It will be such a relief to have him here… no more worrying if I will be going into labor by myself, my partner in crime will be by my side!  I am so, so grateful we were able to work this out and have this time together.  Jon is able to be here for a few months and I get to have the baby back home, with my doctors and with my family.  After the new year we will head down to FLA as a party of 3….So this isn’t just the end to our LDP it will also be the end to our LDR and the start of our life together. It certainely is bittersweet ( but more on the sweet side of things) so much life change is on the horizon…. welcoming our baby, big moves and starting our life together. And well, it is pretty scary and I have my moments of panic because we are venturing down  a new road, I feel very blessed to have that Flordia boy, who I met at my cousin’s  wedding, by my side, as we most certainly will  make mistakes but try to figure it all out together. It is a pretty wild time. We never really anitpcated any of this coming our way so soon or in the way it has unfolded but I have a good feeling in my heart that one day we will be looking back with grateful hearts… so happy that this little Plan C ended our LDR and made us a family….

 

21 more days to go… but who is counting!

xoxo Heather

 

 

 

 

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I am so excited to share all about our beautiful “surprise” maternity shoot! I’ve written before about how my sisters have been so amazing in trying to keep my spirits up and to get me excited about having a baby …. here is just one more example! At some point, I must have shared with my sister, Krista, how I would love to have a maternity shoot like the one she had done when she was pregnant with my nephew, Nolan,  but never thought it would ever actually become a reality.  J’s fall shooting/travel schedule has him all over the country and with me not working, I really couldn’t justify having professional photographs taken.  It  is shallow to admit, but one of the things I intially was most upset about in having an unplanned pregnancy wasn’t how I am going to raise the baby or any of the  list of practical issues- that came later.  My mind pretty much went straight to all the things I would be missing out on, like getting to celebrate and be excited for little moments, now that I was fast forwarding life…..will I ever get proposed to or get engaged? Will I ever be a bride?  Will I just be looked at as a “mom” now?  Will I get to travel? Will I get to experience showers and  parties and photoshoots and all the somewhat unnecessary but nonetheless fun frills that come along with milestones in a woman’s life?– those are the kind of thoughts that  ran through my head. My sister, in knowing how I had felt, wanted to do something special and give me a truly exciting experience…. thats is  when she planted the bug in Jon’s ear…. behind every great boyfriend, there is an amazing sister/best friend letting him know exactly how to make her happy…I’m a right?

The two of them devised a plan to surprise me with my very own photoshoot taken by  renown Photog, Joey Kennedy -who is pretty much the best in the biz. Check him out…He is amazing ! For weeks prior, J and Krista were coordinating dates and times with Joey and Jon’s schedule, ironing out all the details.   While the planning of the shoot was a complete surprise to me, my sister knows me a little too well and knows how particular I can be about how I look💁🏻💄…So they did end up spilling the beans a few days before so I could pick out my own outfits and prepare myself!  I was so excited and surprised! … 1.) I was unexpectedly getting to see Jon with a trip we didn’t have on the books 2.) This was really happening…I was getting to do something special that I never imagined possible when  the initial, woe is me sadness set in after those 2 pink lines appeared.

Now that I was in on the secret,  I immediately  went  into over drive with the shopping.  I had just a few days to get outfits together, I went a little overboard and I pretty much ordered a 100 dresses online and hoping 1 or 2 would get there in time and  work out…  the pregnant bod isn’t the easiest thing to dress people!… Exhibit A

For some people, I suppose a photoshoot isn’t really any kind of big deal, but for me, it gave me a chance to feel beautiful after 7 months of feeling really anything but. For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard about this  “Pregnancy Glow” women get when they are expecting. I  keep reading about how these expecting moms never felt so beautiful or sexy as they do when they are pregnant… ya, well, that’s  defineitley not me!  The first 25 weeks of my pregnancy encompassed pretty severe “Morning – misnomer- Sickness.” I was lucky if I  could get out of my robe or even could brush my teeth before noon… not so cute!  Seriously, every time my toothbrush came out, gaging insued. Early on, I thought I would never be able to brush my teeth ever again  without vomiting up everything in me….. Thank God that passed!🙏🏼

To the contrary of the pregnancy glow legend, you may have heard the old wives tale: When expecting a little girl, she steals all of  your beauty.  Well, I actually think there may be some truth to the myth because  this pregnancy has brought out every bump and belmish…. I am talking more acne than ever before… I never even broke out  this much during puberty. RIP flawless complexion!🙅🏻 Speaking of puberty and  teenage years, for those who knew me when I was younger, know  I had some big ol’ boobs ( just thrown it out there)… welp those suckers came back in full force this pregnancy. Some people might be excited for a little boost to their girls, however,  when  you get out of the shower and  look in the mirror and your pregnancy belly doesn’t even look that big in comparison to the ta-tas.. things are little out of control! Not to mention, the overall just change in your body.  I feel like everything changes, you swell, things get bigger.. it is hard not to notice. Like many other women, I  have history of struggling  with body image issues from time to time. Prior to pregnancy, I was pretty regimented with diet and exercise to keep me feeling good. When I got pregnant, I was really  too sick to continue with my normal heated yoga/ workouts and my diet consisted of a “healthy dose” of  carbs, on carbs, on carbs ( only thing I could keep down) ….I am pretty sure an everything bagel saved my life on multiple occasions during this pregnancy!🙏🏼🍩 Even though I have been trying to be gentle on myself, because, well, I am growing  a human life inside of my body, which is pretty intense….still,  sometimes I can’t can’t help but have the  feelings of “OMG I am a freaking whale”  with my ever growing and expanding body…..

That is why this next part is so sweet! Not only did J ( & K) surprise me with photoshoot they also planned for me to have a pamper session with hair and makeup to get me all made up and feel💯 the day of the shoot! It deinfelty was extra and I thought about not going through with it… did I really need it done?!? But,  Jon really was so sweet and insisted, his treat,  because he wanted to do it up right for me!  I went to this cute, private  little studio in the Northside of Pittsburgh where Hannah Conrad had me feeling fierce that day and looking my best!

Speaking of J’s participation in the shoot, clearly  this was something for me that he  just went along with to make me happy…  The joke was that he basically was a prop (LOL) but he really was such a trooper.  His time was limited, so he basically  flew into Pittsburgh just for the shoot. I wanted  him  to stay longer.  32  hours  together is never enough time- another story-  but ultimately,  it really was so sweet for him to make this happen for me. I know it was Krista’s  initial idea but he went along with it and made it special for me, every step of the way… even picking out an outfit that was little out of his comfort zone because he knows my style!😘

Joey didn’t pick the location of our shoot until actually that morning. He chose Phipps Conservatory, a green oasis in the middle of Pittsburgh’s vibrant Oakland neighborhood that has a world-class garden experience, breathtaking seasonal flower shows and stunning outdoor botanical gardens. Little did Joey know how serendipitous  his location  choice actually was for us. Phipps is a pretty special place for J and I… we actually had our  very first ( double… still needed a chaperon at that point) date at Phipps,  which resulted in our very first kiss, way back in 2012!  Every year since,  during the holidays, we go back to Phipps.  It has become our own little tradition so it was very fitting to have our maternity shoot with such special place to us and our first date spot in the backdrop!

Late September in Pittsburgh  usually is a beautiful time of year where you can start to feel the chill of fall in the air. The day of our shoot was extremely beautiful but it was also very unseasonably HOTT …. I am talking high 80s in the evening! It got real sweaty up in there!  However, after some wardrobe changes and some face dabs, somehow Joey worked his magic and still made us look great even as we “glistened!”

I’ve never done one of these photoshoot things before so I didn’t really know what to expect when we started and I know Jon really, really didn’t  know what to expect, but  we both  ended up having such a great time. Jon kept saying to me during the shoot, “I know you’re just loving this.”😜    Joey made the shoot really relaxed and enjoyable… he kept giving J a hard time so we had some comic relief to put us at ease….We laughed and had fun. We took photos until all the light had faded.  When we left, I had to  ask J,  ” what was I doing with my face.“  because we are just having good time and in the zone! I really am so thankful for this experience to capture our love and  this special milestone in our life. I know these photos will be something we cherish forever and will be so neat to show our daughter one day! This photoshoot and all the sweetness that surrounded it  was just another reminder  to me that,

“we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life we have waiting for us.”

Sometimes, if I just take a second to look around,  I am sweetly reminded  that, yes, my life definitely is not going accordingly to MY plan and maybe it never will but God knows exactly what I need and how I need it and THIS LIFE  that is out there waiting for me is beautiful and it is surely blessed……

 

Thanks for reading….  Here are some more of my favorites from the shoot!

 

xoxo Heather

 

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Florida is known for their “sun showers,” a meteorological Phenomenon in which rain falls while the sun is shining, and this past weekend J & I were showered with so much light and love in one of my favorite places on this earth, St. Augustine, F L O R I D A!

Baby Shower #2 was thrown for us by our sweet friends, Patrick and Louise at Jonathan’s home away from home, Saltwalters Shooting club. I was blown away when Louise approached us about hosting a baby shower.  Louise and her husband Patrick wanted to give us a chance to celebrate our baby together with our Florida friends.  It is hard to find the words, but their eagerness to show us so much love touched my heart in such a deep way. They certainly didn’t have to go to the trouble, they have a new baby themselves, have busy careers and have quite the full plate but they were so thoughtful and intentional  to make this day special for us and our little one on the way.  It is  probably not a huge secret that one of the things that I am most apprehensive about  with having the baby  and starting our life in Florida is moving away from the amazing support system I have in Pittsburgh…. and while I still have worries, it is so comforting to know what amazing friendships and sweet people we have in our life down in Florida.  J’s friends have become my friends and we are so lucky to have such amazing people in our corner!

 

As most of you know, J is a Sporting Clays Shooter…so when Louise was thinking of themes for the shower, Guns and & Glitter and hosting at Saltwaters seemed like a natural fit!  It was pretty hilarious hearing the comments from the guys at the gun club. I guess they weren’t exactly excited that the newly added club house was first being christened by a baby shower, hoping for something more macho, I suppose.  Apparently they had no idea what goes down at a baby shower or what to expect. Girls know whats up…. Baby Showers are basically  an excuse to celebrate with your friends,  eat and get your drink  on…well if you aren’t preggo, like me, than you just get your double eat on😉

For the Guns and Glitter Shower, the club was open for those who wanted to shoot prior, after they wrapped up shooting some clays, guest came up to the club house with a stocked bar and some pretty amazing BBQ  from MOJO’s ( I don’t even like BBQ and I love  this stuff- LEGIT)…. so I think it is safe to say they all had a good first baby shower experience!

Seriously, if you know Salwaters, it is sort of hard to “girl” this place up, but Louise did an amazing job! Everything was so beautiful and so thoughtful. She and Patrick had a beautiful  sign painted they gave to us for our baby girl  with one of my favorite quotes, ” With Grace in her Heart and Flowers in her Hair…”  It is a variation  from a Mumford and Sons song   that I like and maybe something else too…. but anyways… it has always reminded me that even in life storms, I am child of God, he is holding onto me, and I can get through anything!  I can’t wait  to have these words on the walls of our baby girl’s room!

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  We are less than 2 months away from meeting our baby girl and our hearts  seriously are overflowing with all the generosity and  love shown to us by our friends and family.  I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, even though this has been a challenging  time for us with a whole lot of uncertainty, we never once have  to wonder, will she be loved…  This shower was just another reminder that we are so blessed to have so much love and support and have so many amazing people in our lives. Thank  you all for everything 😘💗❌⭕️

xoxo Heather

 

 

 

32 weeks have flown by in a blink of an eye – seriously time slow down-and this past weekend our “Little Pumpkin” and I were showered with so much love and generosity from friends and family near and far. Since the time I  shared the news of my pregnancy, my sisters and my mom have gone over and beyond to show their love and support and get me excited for this baby..…planning baby gender reveal parties, buying gifts, sneakily organizing maternity photo shoots with Jon, feeding me ☺️, taking care of me when I couldn’t seem to peel myself off the bathroom floor or get out of my bathrobe and probably most of all,  reminding me that everything will all work out… and this Baby Shower wasn’t any different. I am so blessed to have them in my life and so is this baby! She is being added to one of the best clubs around, being a “Shiwarski girl!” Thank you Sissies and mom for throwing me the cutest little pumpkin shower 💗

J’s Mom also made the trip up from Florida for the shower. In over 4 years that we’ve been together,  this was the first time for our families to meet one another… so, ya,  it was kind of a big deal. Our families couldn’t be more different so I was pretty  apprehensive but things worked out great and everyone – I think-had a very nice weekend together! Our dads still have yet to meet, which should be the interesting one, so stayed tuned for that😉. All and all it was a lovely visit and it was super sweet and thoughtful for her to fly into Pittsburgh for the shower to meet my family and to take so much interest in our baby!

 

So….. Jon’s mom is a little bit of a hoarder ( her words, not mine) and she actually saved a baby dress from 30 years ago and gifted it to me at the shower! I think the story goes….she bought this little high end baby dress sometme in the late 80s, thinking she would have a little girl and turns out Joanthan is, well, a boy and an only child so she never really had any use for it but held on to it all these years. She thought about giving it away before but I guess she never really had anyone special to gift it to so she stowed it  somewhere deep in her closet and 30 years later has a gift for her granddaughter!

I was lucky to spend the day with so many amazing women who play such a special role in my life, many who have knowm me since I was baby myself, with a mix of  old and new friends. Each one of these ladies have blessed me with their friendships, love, support and generosity. The outpouring of love we received, even  from those friends that couldn’t attend, blows me away. From New York, to Kentucky, from Chicago and all the way to Italy,  we felt so much love and sweetness! I am so fortunate to have all these amazing women in my life and I know this little girl will be equally blessed by them. So CHEERS to all these amzing ladies… To strong women:  May we know them… May we be them.. May we raise them…. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for showering us with so much love 🥂💗

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Unemployed and pregnant, two words that I never thought would describe me, only a few short months ago, but have become my new reality. Losing my job and finding out I was pregnant, within weeks of each other, hit me like a surreal crap storm, for lack of better words. To be quite honest, I am 6.5 months into pregnancy and almost 4 months into unemployment and still don’t have clear picture of how, what at times seems like an impossible situation, will all work out. So this isn’t a post of how I “figured everything out.” Almost daily, I still find myself hearing my reservation, “Pity Party for 1, your table is now ready!” … However, usually after some tears-hormones🙄- and a few minutes with my woe is me attitude,  the cartoon rain cloud seems to go away and I snap out of it and  am gently reminded that there is a reason for this season. Amidst the (crap) storm swirling in my head, God keeps showing up and providing  in so many ways, filling me with a peace and hope…. Sometimes it just takes looking through a different lens – and maybe a little bit of Windex on bad day- to make that clear. In the thick of the uncertainty and stress,  sometimes I just need a quick heart  check to realize there is  so much beauty, gratefulness and  peace to be found….

Continue reading “Unemployed ✔️ Pregnant ✔️” →

34 years ago today, when I was still merely a twinkle in my dad’s eye ( dad always uses that  saying🙄),  I was given one of the best gifts I ever did receive….. Krista Rose Shiwarski Campbell, aka my big sister, was born. I  didn’t come on the scene for  about 4.5 more years, and mom says Krista was all about her baby sister from the time I was born, however,  as the years went on, I filled in that annoying little sister role pretty well. 5 grades/4 years is  big deal when you are little kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting to do everything my sisters did, especially Krista.   She was my idol! I was her shawdow and followed her around everywhere she went, mimicking  everything she did. She didn’t always love that … Many of mornings, before school, I wasn’t even “allowed” to look at her at the breakfast table because I was “so annoying”, so what she would do is place the cereal box  ( usually Sugar Smacks or Coco Pebbles) in front of her face so I couldn’t talk to her but it never really stopped me.  Also, when we were young, she took her Nintendo games very seriously.  “My turn” was often skipped  in super Mario Brothers because  she thought I would waste all of “her lives.” I found out years later, “My Turn” meant Krista and Ashley would pull a fast one on me and  unplug the controller  and only let me think I was playing while they  played the second controller behind me.  Nice sisters! Occasionally, she let me join in on the neighborhood game of  release  with the “big kids” or if we were playing house, aka babysitters club, I was given some minor role as Karen.  But you know what, I was happy with that because it didn’t matter to me,  I just wanted to hang out with my big sis!

Growing up, I  looked up to Krista in everyway possible. In high school, Krista was a cheerleader, so naturally I wanted to be a cheerleader too. She  spent hours and hours going over “the routine” with me for my middle school tryout,  despite that fact that I was sort of a lost cause.  My long gangly legs and arms weren’t  really meant for cheerleading, I suppose. There is a home video floating around somewhere of  “brace face Heather” trying to perfect a “toe touch” … hoping that tape may have accidentally got thrown out during  my parents move.   Needless to say, I didn’t make the squad but my sis was there to console me when my name wasn’t on the list… she even let me wear her uniform one year for Halloween! Speaking of which, I  stole all of her clothes, which caused all out, drag out brawls, on what seemed was like a daily basis. I  would even sneak and  wear her “Pager” around the house when she wasn’t looking because  I thought it was the coolest thing ever! When Krista went off to college at the University of Pittsburgh, 10 miles from our family home, mind you, I was devastated. The day we moved her into Tower B on Pitt’s Campus,  I sat in her bedroom when we came home and cried and cried because I missed my sister and didn’t know when I would ever see her again…. don’t worry she came home every Sunday, without fail… usually  hungover for a meal and for mom to do her laundry #truth.   While she was as  at college, and as I grew older, the age gap seems to close and  we grew closer as friends rather than simply sisters. She even let me come to a few of her college parties! 16 year old Heather thought she was the coolest thing in the world  getting lifted up by the Pitt Football Team to do a 16 second keg stand ( you know, because I was 16 years old) … she wasn’t always a good influence😉 Despite her college party girl ways,  she showed me to what it looks like to go after your dreams. Proving that, with hard work and determination you can achieve anything you set out to acomplish.  After Pitt, Krista managed to get into a well sought Physical Therpay School, graduated top of her class with her doctorate and built an amazing career where, daily,  she enhances the quality of life of her patients- who adore her by the way!  She married the boy next door ( really up the the street, Ryan’s family lived a few houses up when we were young) and they have built the most beautiful life together with their 3 baby boys.

That’s where this ties into Plan C… my Sister is my  ultimate pregnancy/mommy hero… Before she was pregnant with her first baby, Nolan Ryan ( ya- that is really his name- my brother in-law is a baseball guy),  she really didn’t have any experience with babies.  I am talking , never changed a diaper or anything. Ryan, my brother in-law, was the one who was ready for the baby and Krista knew she wanted to have  kids eventually, even though she claims she was never really “ready to have kids.”  But she was married and over 30 so that is what you do right??  I can recall her being a week past  Nolan’s Due Date saying,” I’m not sure if I am ready for this.” I said,” Sis, I don’t think there is any turning back now.” And then Nolan was born…… When I first walked into that hospital room that sunny October morning  to see my sister and her new baby of just a few hours old,  I witnessed the most amazing thing, my sister in all out mommy mode, holding and feeding and loving her baby- it all came so natural. It was crazy, but  it was so, so beautiful. I have never seen anything look so instinctual in my life. That momma instinct continued  throughout Nolan’s first year where  I witnessed her amazing patience and love for her son. She was still all the same fun-loving sister ( getting BOK from time to time inside joke 😉 )  but now she could add amazing mommy to that list. When Nolan was only a few days shy of his first birthday, my sister received the unexpected but happy news she was expecting again! Ryan and Krista planned on having more, but maybe not that soon…. that would be  2 under 2. We thought that was crazy but we were all very excited to watch the family grow. They went to that initial doctors visit and came home to share with us some even more shocking news… there wouldn’t be just  2 under 2, there would be 3. She was expecting twins!…Twin boys might I add!  Thats, count em, 1, 2, 3, -3 boys under 2…. 2016-2017 was a shocking year for our family to say the least!

Throughout her twin pregnancy, Krista  never even complained. Seriously I don’t think I ever heard anything negative or whiny come out of her mouth.  Not even once,  despite working full time up until the week of her due date, chasing a crazy  wild toddler boy  around all day long and  not to mention that belly that seemed to grow bigger by the day … seriously people, she birthed two babies both over 7lbs, each!! That is nuts! She is a tiny girl, I am not sure how they had any room in there. Krista was pretty far along with the twins when I found out I was pregnant and here ,her very preggo self, was there  taking care of me and making sure I was doing okay, mentally and physically. I felt so bad complaining about my alignments  when there she was, doing it all! She joked with me and said I got pregnant because I wanted to be just like her… Not true, obviously since being preggo is only my Plan C,   but she did get part of that right. Even after all these years,  I do just want to be like my sister!  If I can be half the mommy my sister is, I know I will be doing something  right….

When I was my sisters maid of honor, in my toast, which has often been referred  to as “the roast,” I joked about their wedding song- God Bless the broken road-because, to the outside world, my sister’s life seems to be picture perfect… Perfect beautiful kids, husband , job and life!  I would be lying if I didn’t say she is tremendously  blessed, but to tell you the truth, she deserves nothing less.  My sister and her beautiful heart deserve the greatest that life has to offer and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

 

Love you Sissy! Thank you for giving me the best example to look up to after all these years. You are my best friend and my person.  Cheers to number 34!  I am excited to see what the next year has in store. I never imaged that we would have  kids growing up so close together. I know I will continue to look to you for advice along the way….  I can only hope my baby  is  half as cute as yours though!  Thank you for being such a big part of my life and my other half ( really third with ash 🙂 ). Happy Birthday!

xoxo Love,  Your Baby Sis