Love is What Makes A Family

They say LOVE is what makes a FAMILY

Love for your daddy (still weird to say) is definitely what got us here today. At a time when I thought I would never fall in love again (and in place where I  was perfectly content with that thought), your Dad came strolling in out of nowhere- Jacksonville, Florida to be exact, via cousin Dan’s wedding- & filled my heart and life with something better than I could ever imagine. He isn’t one to express himself in big, loud gestures of love but rather does it quietly, everyday, through his actions, you’ll see. He does things like make a 30 hour road trip to Pittsburgh with two dogs in tow, to be in town for just 48 hours, so he could be by my side for my very first doctors appointment. He didn’t want me to be alone to find out if you were the real deal ( turns out, you are). Thank God the cat didn’t die back at home- but that is a  story for another time. J- there is no other person I would rather be on this crazy journey with than you… Thank you for loving me like you do. Olive juice.

Even at 29, I am still worried to disappoint my parents. Sounds silly,  but I was terrified to tell them I was pregnant because I didn’t want to “let them down”- the whole unmarried and pregnant thing probably isn’t exactly the life they imagined for their youngest daughter, ya know? I was so ready for the “how could you let this happen?” speech, however, instead of judgment & disappointment, I received open arms (literally) of LOVE & acceptance, and maybe even a tinge of excitement, letting me know everything will be alright.  Having my parents (and Jonathan’s)  support means the world to me. My heart seriously goes out to young girls ( a lot who are much younger than me)  who are going though an unplanned pregnancy and do not have the support system I do.  Thank you Mom & Dad for always showing me grace and love in all life’s situations. 

Love (& saltines) most definitely pushed me through the early weeks of this pregnancy. Seriously the name morning sickness could not be more misleading for the all day long toilet hugging sessions that was trimester 1.   A huge THANKS to my sisters for keeping “my secret” and  peeling me off the bathroom floor to bring me crackers, ginger ale & medicine on the daily. They were on call, making sure I could make it through the day physically & emotionally. Your dad is the love of my life but I think my sisters (your aunts) are my soulmates. I don’t have to say a word, they just know. They are the shot of truth I need but it is always chased with love …. Sisters seriously are the best. Although, right now, your dad and I  are terrified of the thought of having more than one of you and this 18 week “hangover” has me never wanting to pregnant EVER again so we’ll see about your fate on siblings….. but that bond is unbreakably beautiful.

 

Love is the expression we received from our closet of friends &  other family who have been here for us, showing up at door steps with support, checking in daily, and praying for & with us, assuring me that this will work out, and, no doubt, will be the biggest blessing of our lives.

Love is what our heavenly Father has wrapped me in since day one. Similar to my parents, I have never wanted to disappoint God. when I felt like I did- because well,  I might be wrong, but  I don’t see many unwed “Jesus followers” with baby bumps walking around-  I created a distance. My own “theology” initially brought me to a place of punishment ( holla Catholic guilt🙌🏻). However, God has given me this sweet reminder during this time, which was brought to light through all of these acts of love–  My thoughts of shame/ inadequacy couldn’t be further from the truth.  God has not and will  not forsake ( using that biblical word- who talks like that, really?) me.   I can rest in that…..As far as the east is from the west, he said, right?  I am usually pretty private in my faith,  and I am far from a model Christian, but the undeserved love Christ offers, makes tears of gratitude well up in my eyes. Sometimes, I need reminders of this daily,  however, in a crazy time of uncertainty, God’s faithfulness is what I am clinging onto  and is guiding me through. It’s the peace I have navigating the unknown. As through all the  unforeseen junctures in my life, God has turned my  sorrowful “Why Me(s),” into  grateful “Why Me(s)!” Things that I did not plan for in my life, sometimes accompanied with extreme pain/grief and broken hearts in the moment, are how God worked through to draw me in closer & ultimately give me the biggest blessings of my life- not always the easiest road but it is always paved with blessings. “For his plans are greater.”  Right now, I am still in the fog. I still have no idea (yet, or maybe never will) why God is entrusting me to be your mommy,  I certainly  do not  feel qualified, and sometimes (okay,  a lot of the time) I do have a guilt that so many amazing people are out there praying for this very miracle to happen in their lives, yet he chose to give it me. I didn’t ask for this and actually initially prayed that this would all go away.  This blessing  of an unanswered prayer is something I will not take lightly and I will take on as the most precious gift from above. Buried under all the worry, somewhere  deep down inside of my heart, I know that  being your mom will be the best thing I will ever have the privilege to do. It has taken me a while to say this, but thank you God for this miracle.

Little one, I would be lying if I didn’t say you scare me to death.  I would be untruthful if I didn’t say I wish things would be happening in different order (first comes loves, then comes Marriage, then a baby carriage) and still sometimes grieve the very different life I HAD envisioned for myself and your dad. I have my moments of adjustment and, admittedly, selfishness. The very same day we should have been boarding a plan to travel to Budapest to watch your dad compete in the World Fitasc Championship,  we were  at the doctors,  getting an ultrasound and finding out your gender instead. Canceling our trip to Europe this summer still has me bummed (priortiotes-seesh).  You weren’t plan A or Plan B ( more to follow on that) but here’s to Plan C!   And although,we might not be the conventional “Family,”  and your  unexpected arrival is giving us a lot to figure out much faster than we would have hoped, one thing I can say with certainty … You are so loved. I am not sure where the road ahead will lead us,  maybe through all the other letters of the alphabet ( Plan D, E, F, G…?) but I know we are sure to be on a beautiful ride together.  See you on  November 30th, but if you take after your mommy, it will probably be December(always late🙋🏻) … Welcome to the FAMILY Baby Girl!