Plan C, how did we get here? The idea for this blog started shortly after I learned I was pregnant. I started journaling my thoughts because, honestly, I was in denial and saying everything that was swirling around my head out loud, to anyone other than myself, meant it was all true. I wasn’t ready to face the music and also was feeling a lot of shame- shame for not being married and pregnant- I know, I know, it is 2017 not the 1950 but still- and guilt for what I was feeling. Pregnancy should the happiest time in a woman’s life and here I was wishing it away. The guilt set in thinking about so many people, even close friends and family, who would do anything to be in my shoes, blessed with carrying a baby. Those initial weeks, I flipped the off switch on my emotions to the outside world and writing was an outlet to express myself, my fears and worries. As time went on, I was 18 weeks (4 months in real people talk… still not trying to be one of those preggo people that talk only in weeks) pregnant when I started this blog, I was ready to come out from this blanket of shame I had been experiencing. I had been holding on to a secret for 4 months and I was ready to start living authentically. I knew once the cat was out of the bag, people would have their own opinions, so why not share my own truths.
The name plan C came to mind a few days after those 2 pink lines showed up on the pregnancy test and forever changed my life. The few weeks leading up, Jon and I had a tiny little worry in the back of our head about our soon to be new reality, but certainly just thought it would be a close call. We were in no way prepared to be parents. It’s a longgggg story so I broke it up into sections in case you want to skip to the end!
The back story aka the Pregnancy Prologue
When sharing the story of my pregnancy and ultimately our “Plan C” I usually begin with this precursor. The past few years I’ve struggled with minor, yet somewhat debilitating health issues. In the fall 2015, this healthy and active 27 year old girl contracted Mono…I know, what late 20 something gets mono, right?! Isn’t that for teeny boopers who play spin the bottle? I have several theories on how I caughtthe “kissing disease” … Was it from the juice cleanse I did that weakened my immune system because I “ate” nothing but nasty green juice for a week? Was it the taste testing everybody’s martini at the little black dress party? Also, I saw the way they washed the beer mugs at the local bar… that dip in dip out of soapy water clean job isn’t foolin anybody! Anyways, that is here nor there, but for some unbeknownst reason my body did not want to recover from the mono virus aka Epstein Bar aka EBV. After 4 grueling months, the EBV finally was showing up as inactive in my system, however, my body continued to react in a way that the virus was present and creating the antibodies to fight. It is so hard to describe, but basically, I was in constant state of feeling like I was coming down with the flu. I call it feeling “monoy.” I was still suffering from the body aches, swollen lymph nodes and fatigue, making it pretty difficult to juggle work and really everyday life. I had good days and bad days but spent a lot of my evenings and weekends staying in bed, not going to yoga or being active and canceling plans on friends and family. “Sorry, I can’t, I am feeling monoy today,” became my routine response. I think many people thought I was using this as an excuse because this was going on for wayyyyy too long than any normal case of mono. My doctors did not really have answerers to why this was happening and were calling it “post viral fatigue syndrome” aka what they say when they don’t know what to say. They said these symptoms might run their course after a year or possibly could stay around the rest of my life. What??? The rest of my life… from mono?????? It was sort of like, nothing can be done, you can’t take anything, you can’t do anything to stop it, but your aren’t dying, you are just going to feel crappy and have to suck it up and deal with it. Ummm, no thank you! I wanted to have my life back!
Okay so in case you are wondering where I have been going with this mono sob story here it is… I was not super satisfied with that answer and feeling this crappy forever wasn’t an option for me, so after consulting with several specialists and coming up with little to no answers on how to treat my symptoms, a few of the doctors suggested I “take a break” from my birth control pills. Uh oh! This should have been my red flag! The theory was that I had been on BC for over a decade, at that point, and my hormones could possibly be suppressed, causing my body to stray “out of rhythm” and therefore, not in the right state to recover. AKA Homeostasis ( what up 9th grade biology term🤓) needed to be restored in order for me to regain my health. So I thought, what the heck, this getting off BC thing is worth a try! Ironically, during this process, and having my hormones tested, I actually had a doctor tell me that I was basically infertile, my body was producing zero estrogen and I would most likely never be able conceive…ummm Doc, thank you for your fear mongering, but I think you were a little off there!
So In October of 2016, there I went on my merry, BC-free way. After a few months of adjustment, my cycle ( eww,I hate that word) was back to clock work and functioning as it seemlingly should, although, my mono symptoms did seemed to persist. I started tracking my cycle on an App to keep notice of my body. The setting on the app was fixed to “avoiding pregnancy,” which gave me an indicator of my fertile days throughout the month, which apparently there are only about 4, my period and other weird womanly monthly happenings etc. etc.
It’s going down for real….
Disclaimer **** MOM, Dad, Gram…this maybe when you want to stop reading… I know a lady isn’t suppose to kiss and tell, however, I did say I would be authentic in my writing. Unlike the very vague talk my mom gave me when I was a kid and I asked her where babies come from, I will be a little more descriptive than the “when two people love each other very much” talk, with still trying to leave a little up to the imagination. But yes, to answer the question I have been getting, this is indeed a “Florida baby!”
Anyways, partaking in a long distance relationship and seeing J on average about one week every month, the bow chick-a-wow-wow department goes through long periods of inactivity, to speak politely. And well, just to throw an added layer of fun to the mix, I have a type IV latex allergy, so therefore, normal latex “protection” is off limits for me. When I was on BC this wasn’t something I ever had to really worry about but now that team no babies had to bring their “A game,” we had to result to utilizing a latex alterative called “Skyn”…Skyn, really? All I can think of is : Put the lotion in the basket, Clarice. How Silence of the lambs….. sexy. Anyway, setting the scene, it was early March and J and I hadn’t seen each other in over an month, when I was headed to Florida a long weekend together. We were very happy to see each other to say the least. Back in town the first night into the morning and “Skyn” (eww) was put to the test. As you know by now, it failed with a capital F… pun intend! But how, I keep getting asked. …How does this happen? I know they know where babies comes from but they want the real scoop…So literally after explaining these intimate details over and over to friends, I guess I will publicly dish. So here it is, the super embarrassing part🙈 ……
This wasn’t a crazy passionate night where we got caught up in the heat of the moment type deal. It was a sleepy morning waking up with those tired I love you eyes, cozied up together kind of thing. After the “lovin sesh” ended, we promptly realized the Skyn went missing. Ughhhh, where is it? Where did it go? Did the dog eat it? My apologies to Leah, Jon’s black lab, who had a front row seat for the “action.” I am sure she is scarred for life too but thats the price you play if you want to sleep in the bed, doggy.🐶After doing a quick search around the bed, I was in panic mode. I went to the bathroom. Uh oh, could this thing really be stuck inside of me? Ahh yep… Some how this bugger was dislodged during “our moment” and crammed its way out of my reach and did not want to come out😖… Super Gross, I know, but even more traumatic. Finally, after a frantic google search, contemplation of going to the ER, and a few gymnastic/ yoga poses later, the Skyn was eventually retrieved.. talk about romantic moment right?!
****Okay Family, you can start reading again….
Now the worrying began to set in….I quickly referenced the app on my phone … according to the “Glow” app it was the last day of my fertile window. Fertility was suppose to be low with about a 6% chance of conception. However, it was 6% of a chance too high for us. We did not want to gamble. At this point, it was around 7am and here we go, back to Google it is….. I typed Plan B into the search bar. I heard about the Plan B Pill before, even had a few friends who used it in some rare occurrences but I never actually thought I, the girl who has only been with someone in a committed relationship, would be in a position to have a need for it. Don’t people say Plan B is for “slutty” college girls or one night stands? Those were probably my thoughts at some point in my high and mighty life before this whole ordeal….And This was my first taste of that humble pie. Lying in bed, contemplating taking this pill that could potentially change the direction of my life, my initial concerns went straight to abortion. Is this like getting an abortion, I asked Jon? I am already pre-martial sexing I certainly do not want to add abortion to my “unchristian-like” activities. I suppose I have always felt firmly in my own personal views on abortion; If I ever was in a situation, I thought I would never even think twice to act on it. Although, the feeling and actions still hold true for me to this day, going through an unplanned pregnancy now myself has further opened my eyes to 1.) Reinforcement of my beliefs that this is indeed the most precious gift of the life, growing inside of me since that very morning but also 2.) Realizing that things aren’t always so black and white when it comes to this sensitive subject and the pressure a women or girl might feel in that situation is unimaginable and it is real. Here I was feeling more overwhelmed and scared than I had ever felt in my entire life and I was 29 (not exactly a spring chicken), in a 4 year committed relationship with a man I want to the spend the rest of my life with… until walking in that individual persons shoes, I now could never judge any women for their decision, even though my personal beliefs may be different from her own. Anyway, I had some serious concerns but after that early morning research session (it was a busy morning), I was reassured that plan B is not an abortion pill and it is simply is a high dose of the Birth Control pill. It will prevent a pregnancy from happening but will never terminate any existing pregnancy/ fertilization, working just like the birth control pill. So with that, I was in … on to plan B!
The quest to find plan B was not painless, to say the least. I had done some {more} research and found a few local CVS’ that carried the pill. I felt like I had the scarlet letter pinned on my chest, but after a pep talk from J, coaching me and reassuring me “it’s not a big deal,” I got out of the car and went into the first store. Uh oh- the shelves were empty so I chickened out and left because I was too embarrassed to ask for help! I guess my courage wasn’t so built up after all. Sitting in the car, I made a quick phone a friend to an anonymous source ( Wikileaks can you use them, so can I) who I knew had taken plan B before, she let me know that you actually have to ask the pharmacist for the pill at the counter. On to the next CVS. This one had a drive- thru. Heck yes! I can hide in the car and ask for the pill! So that is what I attempted to do. J pulls up to in his lifted 4-runner ( This is Florida people ), rolls down the window to the pharmacist, ” Ummm, hi there, can we please purchase the Plan B Pill?” “Sorry Sir, you have to come inside to the counter for something like that,” said the guy at the window…. wellllll shoo, Jon drive away, abort that mission! There was no way I am walking in there now after they already called us out on trying to be sly #embarassed. On to store 3. Hallelujah 🙌🏻 There it is was, on the shelf, in all of its glory. All I had to do was go up to the counter and ask the pharmacist to unlock it out of its security case. I moseyed on up to the counter, getting a bit more ballsy after 3 stores, and asked the tech if I could use my insurance for purchase; stupid question for wanting to fly under the radar. Ol’ Ethel at the counter proceeded to scream across the way to the Pharmacist “Hey, hey do we take Insurance on Plan B?” …For all the store to hear, causing my face to go red, like that imaginary letter on my shirt. More embarrassment but the worst was over. The deed was done and we had the pill in hand! I popped that bad boy roughly 7 hours after the “incident” and we naively thought we were good to go. According to the pills advertisements, if you take Plan B One-Step within 24 hours, it is about 95% effective. Those are good odds right?!? There is always that small percentage it will not work but we certainly thought the panic was over and were in the clear. With pill in my system and new found false sense of security, we took a stroll on the beach, went out for sushi and wine that night and did a toast to “team no babies”….. Suckers!
We had a great rest of our trip together but then the countdown was on … 2 weeks to wait until my expected period. During that time, my body started acting funky. I was very crampy, my body was achy (per usual) and my boobs were so freaking sore. I’m talking anytime the wind blew I winced kind of sore. Back to Google I go …. what I found online was that these symptoms all aligned with the correct and common side effects of Plan B. It also stated that Plan B can cause your period to be a few weeks late. Apparently Plan B symptoms mimic all that of early pregnancy symptoms… cool 🙄. Two weeks passed, body still seemed out of wack and still no period. No need to panic though, right? It is just the plan B causing all of this commotion … or so we thought. By this time Jon and I were anxiously waiting for “Aunt Flo” to come into town and put our minds at ease. One night after yoga, followed by taco Tuesday aka margarita Tuesday, I grew some liquid courage to go grab a pregnancy test on the way home…. you know, just to put our worries to rest. Thank you self checkout at the grocery store :). I called Jon as I drove home from the store and I joked with him that I would FaceTime him in so he could feel apart of the action. Once I arrived home, I scurried upstairs in the bathroom did my pee on the stick thing and before I could grab my phone to FaceTime J with the results … there it was, the second pink line.
I rubbed my eyes… no , no, no, no way is this real. As the phone rang and Jon answered my call, I repeated those words. I think the first words to come out of his mouth were actually, “oh shit,”( great story to tell our daughter one day🙈) but honestly that night was too much of a dream to really even remember how that conversation went down. I certainly did not get much sleep and jumped out of bed bright in an early the next day to try out another test with my “first morning urine,” hoping for a different result, but deep down I knew. There it was again, that dreaded second pink line …… This is it. This is real and this is when Plan C began. The thoughts began to flood ..… “Wait, how is this happening to me?? It was such a small chance! I started to look back at how I had viewed girls who have “unplanned pregnancies”. How can I be in this category? Those are for girls who are careless and who don’t think about consequences. I was being “careful,” this isn’t fair… no, not me. I remember thinking back to those old thoughts that may have popped into my head…. how do people let this happen to them, gosh it’s not the hard to control, right?? … second helping of humble pie for me, please!
What Plan C is all about
So there it is … my “Kiss and Tell” of how we arrived at our Plan C. For me, the uncharted waters of Plan C is so much more than simply, shoot, the Plan B pill didn’t work, let’s figure out what to do now. It’s about humbling myself and my own self-righteousness… that humble pie I have been eating ever since the day at the CVS is sobering and makes me realize, who am I to judge anyone else’s life or actions? The old, not until you walk a mile in another person shoes line constantly plays in my head and is something I really hope to live by as I go through this journey and every other journey, for that matter. In the same breath, it is about living authentically and trying not to give a damn how things look to the outside world. Its about being confident in my work { in progress} towards being the best version of myself. Why should I care how others look at me? This is easier said then done and for me. I know that this one will be the biggest struggle. I am a people pleaser by nature and always want people to see me in my best light. I live by the motto: Never leave the house without a little color on your lip 💁🏻…. Seriously people, I wear lipstick to walk the dog, so this really is a work in progress.
Even more, Plan C is about realizing that no matter how much we ( I ) can plan our course. God is the one guiding our steps. For me it’s about accepting giving up control and leaning into his plan. I was chatting with a friend and she just reassured me that God makes no mistakes. That he is the author of life and this baby is here for a purpose. That yes, this baby is an odds breaker but that .0 whatever it was % of getting pregnant we had with all the pills and protection is nothing for God. This is his plan. It’s scary to feel so out of control but also hopeful to know I’m not always in the driver seat (Jesus take the wheel… haha can’t be serious for too long🙃).
Seriously though, we have so much to figure out yet… Jobs( oh ya, I am unemployed and preggo…fun times) making the official move and living in the same state, martial status ( so romantic when you put it like that👎🏼) not to mention this whole, you know, becoming parents thing. I am sure I will continue to plan out my own course and have desires in my heart but I hope that if and when ( when is probably more accurate) they go astray, I can still lean into knowing there is a God out there for me and he’s holding onto me through it all. So that is the blueprint for Plan C... I’ll probably write about the journey here and there as we attempt tackle the long list of things to figure out, preferably before November 30th (baby girls due date)! So take heart with us… I hope things start going a little smoother and I can share about fun things like baby names and cute nursery ideas instead of how I cry every other day when I am feeling overwhelmed- blaming it on the hormones- but we will see… so bare with me. I know it will most likely be a bumpy but no doubt beautiful ride
Xoxo Heather
Plan C 