Long Distance Pregnancy

When I met that Florida boy what was now almost 5 years ago on a beautiful November weekend in Pittsburgh, I never imagined what life would turn into, I just knew I wanted to keep knowing him more. Looking back, Jon may have knew something I did not, since he apparently signed the guestbook at the wedding where we met, “Future Mr. Heather Shiwarski,” or so I’ve been told.  Since our magnetic meeting at the wedding, we’ve talked pretty much every day, shared many adventures, racked up the frequent flyer and miles on J’s ol’ 4 runner. We’ve traveled near and far and  up and down the east coast way too many times to even try to count. It has been said that  distance will make or break you, and If I do say so myself, I think we pretty much nailed this long-distance relationship thing. Some may argue maybe a little too well because it has taken us this long to actually find a way to be together…..

Although, I would say we have the LDR ( LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP) down to science, 4+ years together just didn’t “happen.” It took work, some confusion, patience and learning to love each other the best we can from 900 miles apart. I consider myself a pretty laid back go with the flow type of person, that is until, I met J. I fell in love with his easy going personality but shoo, it took me quite a while to understand his One Man Wolf Pack,  Alan from the hangover, mentality. Don’t get me wrong, Jon is a serious social butterfly, he will spark up a conversation with just about anyone, anywhere, but he is also fiercely independent. I guess I will credit that to his only child upbringing, but honestly, he doesn’t really need anybody. For the most part, he is content out there on his own, doing his own thing. And then I came along…

There was this confusing time, when we were first  starting out, where I didn’t even know he was all that interested in me. But hold on…. I’ll tell you why…. We didn’t get to see each other all that much, obviously with the distance, and when I approached him about the status of our relationship… The “what are we talk”…. he told me to date other people if I wanted…..  Say what??? He said, “he didn’t want to hold me back.” I was seriously so confused. I cried. I Facebook stalked to see if he had another girl in his life. it wasn’t pretty.  Not my finest hour. Here I was, pretty into this guy, and he told me it was okay if I  wanted to go out with other people?? I was discouraged. I was so accustomed to guys being possessive and that totally isn’t Jon, which actually turns out to be  one of the things I love about him now.  So anyways, there was this weird 6 month period or so where I was going out on dates with other people because I didn’t think he was interested. I was seriously bummed because I was drawn to him unlike any other  guy I had met before.

Well low and behold, he had no clue I felt like this until one night I had a little too much vino and laid it all out there… Holla Liquid Courage 🙌🏻🍷… J was apparently Mr. oblivious and actually thought all was good and we were exclusively dating that whole time. NOT on the same page, clearly. … After this, head scratching period and what some might call a bumpy start,  we needed to learn how to communicate  with one another if we were gonna do this. I  came to a conclusion, that the way J shows and wants to receive love is much different than my own… Soooo J was a good sport and he actually  did that love language quiz with me to prove my theory correct! I forget our actual results now but have you ever seen that quote, feed me and tell me I am pretty??… Ya, I think that was made for me. I like attention and affirmation and Jon is sort of the opposite. Although, we are really different in this way, the thing I love about J, is that even though it is not his instinct to inherently do some of things that I “need” to feel loved, he listens and if he knows something is important to me, he goes against his nature and makes the effort, like getting my goodnight call every night before bed. Those little things are what has kept us ( me mostly) going. It took us sometime to figure it out but the 1 person Wolf Pack did indeed grow to 2!

                                                               One of Many Road Trips 

With that small background about our long distance love, our LDR was going strong. We were very much in love and ready to take the next step in our relationship and about a year ago we started getting serious about living in the same city. We proved we could handle the distance but knew life was much better by each other’s side and wanted to share an everyday life together. This is the time last year I was hoping to get transferred with my old job- in my earlier blog post you heard how that all went down. The “plan” was to move to the same area and after some time of getting adjusted and making sure we could make a move work, we would get engaged, get married, maybe get another dog and live happily ever after yadi yadi yada …. Well as you all know by now, our little plan C came along and changed EVERYTHING.

Long distance pregnancy ( LDP)  is a whole new ballgame with a whole new set of challenges. I remember the first night I took the pregnancy test, as we hung up the phone, thinking I wish we could just be together right now. Not really knowing what the other was feeling in that moment.  It was tough, I  wanted to be in his presence. As reality  of the pregnancy set in, our slowly integrating but independent lives needed to find a way to immediately merge together in a way they never “HAD” to before. I suddenly had this little being inside of me that is ½ of me and ½ J and we have to figure out a way to symbiotically move together as collective team to make it all work out. Not that I didn’t before, but I totally see why babies, in a perfect world, come after marriage…after that solid, 2 become 1 team is already built.  Not that it is impossible or can’t be done but building “the team” while preggo definitely complicates almost everything.

To state the obvious being a pregnant “baby momma” in Pittsburgh with my “baby daddy” in Florida creates quite the logistical conundrum, especially in the very early stages when we were tight lipped about the pregnancy and trying to see each other as much as possible to make sense of it all. Navigating scheduling and making it to appointments wasn’t super easy. My first doctor appointment, Jon did everything in his power to be there with me. He made the 30 hour road trip to Pittsburgh with two dogs in tow, to be in town for just 48 hours, so he could be by my side. Turns out we didn’t find out that much in that appointment. Some test were ordered but we never really got that confirmation, you are  for sure having a baby, and I think we were  also still somewhat in denial, so we didn’t want to spill the beans to my parents just yet. That would come after appointment #2.

A flight was booked for this appointment, a flight that was canceled and didn’t allow him to get in town until a day late so he actually missed appointment #2. My sister, Krista, went with me and this is where we first heard the baby’s heart beat. Now we knew this was indeed the THE REAL DEAL. Jon and I had to a very small window of time in that trip to tell my parents but we did, at the very last minute, right before I had to take J to the airport to catch his flight- He had an escape plan incase it didn’t go well😉  Luckily my parents are wonderfully supportive and  he went back to Florida to tell his parents and I wasn’t able to be there for that…. Secretly ( not so secretly) happy about that one, I would have been petrified to be in on that convo! With a lot of planning and prep, Jon has been able to make it to the all the big appointments like the ultrasounds and anatomy scan, but because of the distance, I mostly  do it  alone. Which sounds like a bigger deal than it is…. Mostly you just hop into the doctors office, they take your vitals, I pee in a cup, measure my belly and then they send me on my merry little way. I call J with the report after and he really hasn’t missed much in that regard.

Although, some things are harder than others…. the aspect of this LDP that is probably the hardest, for me, is not having my person with me day and day out. Of course we faceTime and talk everyday but just because of distance we can’t physically be by each others side. As much as I would like to say, “ I got this, I am an independent woman, hear me roar,” the early months when I was super sick, I needed help, I just did. Luckily, I do have a great family who steps in and takes care of me when Jon could not physically be there. I might still be laying on a bathroom floor somewhere if it wasn’t for all the TLC from my fam.  Also, I won’t even get into the mess that is assembling baby furniture alone  with a preggo belly … Tears were shed, words that began with F my have been muttered…. Jon told me to take some deep breathes set it aside and he will handle it when he gets here. …nesting emotions are real people!

As my pregnancy has progressed, all the different physically transformations and baby kicks and movements that I feel and live with 24/7, I do wish J would  be able to experience with me too. I guess when you are carrying a child inside of you, the mother always probably feels a bit more connected to the pregnancy before the baby is born, no matter circumstance. Pregnancy is the mother’s reality all day, every day, so how could she not? However, with distance, sometimes I feel the need to remind J, “oh hey, remember, I am pregnant… this baby bump (aka our daughter) moves around and squirms inside of me, hiccups, kicks and keeps me up all night and makes me pee every 10 minutes! Just a little FYI incase you forgot today! I don’t want him to miss out. I want him to see and feel and be a part of everything too. And also sometimes, admittedly,  these feelings come a bit selfishly… My life changed completely the day I took that pregnancy test and I am not sure that Jon’s will fully until this baby girl makes her debut into this world. Sometimes I have  had these feelings that it isn’ really all that fair, that he gets to go and have the same life he always lived ( for now)  and people might not even  have any idea he expecting this baby.  Yet here I am, having  to wear it around like a badge of honor each an every day, getting the stare down like I am in the circus  from strangers every time I enter  a room… Why yes that is my pregnant belly you are looking at strange man at the grocery store!   I am sure this is somewhat the case for all couples but  with distance it does seem to get amplified.

          Sending Belly Vids the Daddy to be! 

When we do have our small windows to be together, sometimes I feel like all I do or want to do, but stop myself, is talk about the baby. I really didn’t want to be that person. You know the type… the pregnant chick that only ever talks about being pregnant. I didn’t want to lose our own identity as a couple. I tried, I really did, but with so much swirling in my head all day, everyday, when we are together it is like I am on overdrive of baby talk to get it all out. When you have a LDP you have a lot to figure out and not much time together so it all has to be crammed in there like an overstuffed suitcase. I’ve even made checklist on my phone before visits to make sure we don’t forget something that needs to me done or discussed… and I am not even  a planner!  Sometimes I wish we had more downtime together so this wasn’t that case and our time together wasn’t fully dedicated to baby and life planning but you gotta do what you gotta do, I suppose. 9 months sure does go fast!

So as I write this, I do feel like I am sheding a LDP somewhat negatively. And well yes, it has been a challenging season for me, but I don’t want to completely be a Negative Nancy because it has also taught me to really appreciate our time together and our relationship. I know we won’t have many more days just the two of us so I really want to make each day we have together special (in between all of the baby talk). We aren’t even parents yet but I think it has taken our relationship to a new level of intimacy, realness and love.  We are learning a lot everyday  and don’t get me wrong, we still don’t have “it” figured out completley  just yet, but the thing that gives me the most hope is  we are working on it…together as own little makeshift team.

For me, part of writing this blog was to get over the insecurity of caring about what everyone else thinks about me, my life and certainly this plan C situation. I wanted to be honest and authentic and put it out there, like it or love it style. While that is all good and fine while I am hiding behind a commuter screen, once and a while, I still struggle with   those feelings of insecurity in day to day life. Not having my guy by beside day in and day out has tested my strength in this area.

Just a few examples for ya….

I signed up to tour the hospital where the baby will be delivered. Well, the hospital only does these types of classes and tours on certain days and times of the month and the only one that wasn’t full,  was a time when Jon wasn’t able to be in town…..So I was going to have to go alone. But not really alone, my mom went with me for moral support. She even took a half-day of work to come with me, which was super nice of her. She really is so great. Nevertheless, I was insecure walking into the room. What would people think of me? Where is her man? Does she not have one? Wonder what her story is? They were strangers, what should I care???…. But for some reason, I still did.We had to go around the room and introduce ourselves and our partners…. There was one other woman who was there by herself but she gave the explanation why she was there without her partner. When it was my turn to speak, I just said Hi, I am Heather and this my mom.  no mention of my baby’s father. I  played it cool but deep down I was wondering if people were judging. hate it, but I was.

Also, about a month ago, a great uncle passed away, and one of the first thoughts to pop into my head, weren’t my condolence, they were, Oh great, now I am going to be at a funeral with a bunch of relatives I only see every 5 years and explain myself. Ya… Well I went to the funeral and actually I froze. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it.  I was sort of like, well hey,  if they aren’t going to bring it up, I guess I won’t either. My sister, Ashley, joked with me and said I kept awkwardly putting my purse in front of my belly…  Maybe it was subconscious thing but ya, like that was going to hide it… I am clearly pregnant and they probably felt awkward asking, I mean I felt awkward so they probably did too… as much as I have been embracing this pregnancy, Sometimes I do still have moments of insecurity.

What we all know to be true, the rumor mill does seem to run wild with a LDP or any pregnancy outside of marriage for that matter. Just look at at those Kardashians😉I hear it all the time about others and shamefully, I have partaken in the past. My unplanned pregnancy has been no exception  and has not escaped it’s fair share of gossip.  I grew up in a big city that yet still  has a very small town feel,  where  everyone still knows everything about everyone and of course word always gets back on the juicy buzz. Apparently there was a rumor going around, as heard from an anonymous source, that J  threatened me and gave me an ultimatum that  he would have nothing to do with me or the baby if we did not move to Florida…hmmm fake news… Not sure where this one quite comes from along with some others that I won’t bother sharing. I suprisngly don’t really let that kind of stuff eat away at me but when you hear that people you haven’t seen in years are talking one far fetch thing behind your back, you sort of  wonder, what else is being said and what  do they actually think to be true about you?

Reflecting on these feelings has me thinking a lot of why? Why do I care? I would be lying to say that I don’t or I won’t, because I think I will always care what other people think about me, that is just me. I guess the better question is , Where I am placing my value and self worth for me to get so worried of what others think? What don’t I have to be proud of? And what I am trying to prove anyway? Even during times when I feel fickle, I always find myself turning back to God … if he loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections, why can’t I love myself the same way? Sometimes I have a hard time accepting God’s Grace. This LDP has taught me that much about myself. It has humbled me in a way I have never really experienced before and although sometimes I still crave to have that instagram worthy, picture perfect life and wish I could be that person, I can’t help but feel a sense of overhwelimg relief that if God can love me and my mess, that I should really embrace his grace, not try to cover up any blemish but accept them and let him reveal their beauty in me.  I often  pray that very love and grace is all the confidence I need to face the world no matter what life throws at me.

This seaons keeps teaching me new things everyday but it is almost time for the next chapter in our book. J,  is on his way and moving up to Pittsburgh  for the next few months as we welcome our little girl into the world! It will be such a relief to have him here… no more worrying if I will be going into labor by myself, my partner in crime will be by my side!  I am so, so grateful we were able to work this out and have this time together.  Jon is able to be here for a few months and I get to have the baby back home, with my doctors and with my family.  After the new year we will head down to FLA as a party of 3….So this isn’t just the end to our LDP it will also be the end to our LDR and the start of our life together. It certainely is bittersweet ( but more on the sweet side of things) so much life change is on the horizon…. welcoming our baby, big moves and starting our life together. And well, it is pretty scary and I have my moments of panic because we are venturing down  a new road, I feel very blessed to have that Flordia boy, who I met at my cousin’s  wedding, by my side, as we most certainly will  make mistakes but try to figure it all out together. It is a pretty wild time. We never really anitpcated any of this coming our way so soon or in the way it has unfolded but I have a good feeling in my heart that one day we will be looking back with grateful hearts… so happy that this little Plan C ended our LDR and made us a family….

 

21 more days to go… but who is counting!

xoxo Heather

 

 

 

 

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