Letter to my Baby on Her first Birthday…

To my baby on her first Birthday,

 

My beautiful Henley Marigold, I type this as the tears start to well in my eyes, reminiscing on this year.  I really didn’t think I was going to get emotional over you turning one… but here we are and here I go…

We did it, we made it a whole year together, never spending one of those 365 days apart.  It is hard to remember life before you, my sweet girl, but also feels like your dad and I were just driving to hospital, as a party of two. Our lives were forever changed on that sunny, November morning, the day after Thanksgiving.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were a little girl. I just had an overwhelming, unexplainable feeling. Which is sort of funny because, as you are probably well aware, we didn’t plan for you. Even though I was not entirely (understatement) prepared for you, one thing that has becomes clearer to me with each passing day; you were always a part of God’s design in my life.  I was made to be your mommy and I am blessed with the most precious gift. I will never stop praising the lord for my little miracle.

Since the very beginning you have shown me strength like no other…. You gave us a scare (luckily a scare is all it was) in the hospital with a blood incompatibility.  At just a few days old, you were being poked, prodded and confined to your little isolate. But even as a fragile little newborn baby, you were so calm and peaceful.  Daddy and I were in awe of this tiny little tough girl.

Not only did you show me your strength but you have given me a new found force of my own….For you, I can do and will do anything. This is not because I feel so strong and capable. There are times, more than I like to admit, I still feel inadequate and weak .In spite of it all, my mom power is in knowing I will never give up on anything for you. I will always give you my all.  In just a short year, we’ve already made it through hospital stays, c- section recovery, countless sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles ( whoever came up with the phrase “don’t cry over spilt milk” clearly never BF),  12 months of pumping, 5 rounds of mastitis( seriously BF was so tough- but worth it), leaving home, living in far off places, taking leaps of faith, coming back home, FPIES diagnosis and navigating everything that comes with it, Ambulance trips, bumps and boo boos … I would hate to look at my search history and see just how many hours ( and into the wee hours of night) I spent goggling just to make sure I was doing the “right thing”.  A few weeks into your life, I remember thinking….

“I don’t think I am ever going to get a good nights sleep ever again, like ever, because I don’t think its possible that I will ever stop worrying about you”

 … I also remember thinking; “ I  really should’ve had a puppy first to try this whole taking care of another  living creature 24/27 thing”. 

Your Aunt let me help a little with your cousins, so you aren’t  a complete Guiney pig but there is a lot of trail and error going on…. As we keep writing  new chapters together, I am sure I will make mistakes, but goodness, do I love being one of the leading characters in your book.

You keep me on my toes, girlfriend but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I gave you birth but YOU make me feel ALIVE, sometimes I feel like a sleepless zombie but mostly ALIVE.  You make everything brighter my little GOLDIE- Marigold and I would use my last breath if it was all I had to protect you.

Henley you are a dream. I could never even wish for a happier more joyful baby.

In 365 days you filled my heart with enough love to last a lifetime. .. I’ve  had the privilege of watching you grow and learn each day. It has been so fulfilling witnessing you take in the world around you for the first time.  Like I said before, you are strong. You demonstrated your super strength from day one, lifting your head and each month so eager to move on to the next new milestone. You took off walking at 10 months and there is no slowing you down, girl.  You are determined but you are even more just so silly. You love to  doing things to make other people laugh, like put blankets over your head, and stick your hands out and growl and goodness, that giggle of yours is the sweetest sound. Even your little baby cry ‘’’ ahhh geee”  melts me. Don’t even get me started on that cute little dance  you do moving your bum anytime we start to sing “bouncey bouncey bounce.”

You’ve been my little side kick through it all, everyday.  I am quite convinced, that no one will ever think I am cooler than you do right now. You are my little shadow and follow me everywhere I go. Even when you are sleeping, I can still feel your little arms wrap around me to ensure I am still holding on to you. I love being the person you need the most. Sweet girl, I will never stop holding you. Even when you get big, you can always reach out for me. My arms will always be there to wrap you up in warmth.

 

Henley you make me a better version of myself. When you were born, it was like something inside me shifted.  I wasn’t so worried about how to get rid of this new squishy body of mine, or the scar that will forever remind me of our 9 months together, like I thought I would be before I became a mom.  You help me live more authentically and love more intensely than I could have even imagined. You showed me how to concern myself a little less about the superficial,  be present in the moment, care about the things that matter and forget the rest. I was just a girl myself only one short year ago …. and Henley,  you were the metamorphosis that changed  me into a mommy.

 

I could keep going forever with how you have changed my life but I will just wrap this letter up and say CHEERS to one year, baby girl. Your first trip around the sun has been so bright … I wish I could freeze time and have you as my little baby forever but I know I have to let you grow.  I am okay with it though because  I know you have so much love to offer this big world. As your mom, I have hopes and dreams for you in the years to come but if none of them but one come true, I hope it is that you will always know how loved you are by me, daddy and so many others and loved most of all by Jesus. I am going to end with a quote from a book we read together almost every night before bed ….

“And no matter what places you travel to, what wonders you chose to see, I will always belong right here with you and you will always belong with me.”

Happy first Birthday Henley Marigold,

Love you forever,

Mommy