So my 32nd year on this earth, aka 2020, wasn’t the year I, or anyone else for that matter, thought it would be at the start… .It was the start of new decade and for me, 32 has always been my “lucky” number so as I blew out my candles to start that next trip around the sun, I exhaled many dreams and hopes that this new year would bring.
In my mind, 32 was my year to no longer just survive but to THRIVE – February came and went and then quickly hit with the horrific realities of loved ones with cancer and suffering , saying goodbye too soon and navigating grief and then of course COVID (and not even mentioning the dumpster fire of the American politically climate of 2020) and challenges and really, just plain hard things that were not suppose to be a part of the “deal”….for friends that have been “here” for a while you may remember my original “Plan C Blog,” which I wrote when I was pregnant with Henley. It was my amateur attempts of capturing living authentically through the unexpected… the funny thing, even though, I knew better, it almost felt like that would be it…. Life’s crazy surprises would stop at “Plan C,” things would get back to “the plan” now after we got through that season of uncertainty, ahhh silly girl!
It’s funny how we take things like a new decade or a new year or “season” and think “okay, things will go “the way they should” now that that’s over” …. Time and time again, I have a short term memory lapse and need reminded that no matter how hard we grasp for control or sometimes just naïvely stroll through our days thinking we know what tomorrow will bring, really, life’s uncertainties are the only real thing we can bank on…. Even after eye opening experiences, sometimes I still get that that false sense of control and sometimes it takes a year like this to step out from the fog and start embracing the unknown again. I feel like a bit like Elsa, ” into the unkownnnnnnnn”- can you tell I am a Mom?!?
For me, especially the last few years after having a baby, I have had my mind focused on where I need to be ( careers, as a parent, homes, relationships #adulting) … and while I don’t think that’s a bad mentality and having “goals” has certainly been instrumental to my successes – sometimes that mind frame make’s it easy to overlook the present, gives us that false sense of control, sometimes has us trapped In comparison. When I have a future mentality, it is easy for me to. forget to be grateful for the moment when I am always looking towards the “next thing”… As much as we can hope and plan and goodness, even do the work , “life” sometimes just has other plans.Sometimes these “other plans” are extremely painful and seemingly unfair but then other times they are amazingly beautiful beyond our wildest dreams — e.g my Henley Marigold!
If Iam giving an honest reflection, year 32 had its fair share of both thriving and surviving both amazing and also crappy circumstances …It’s been difficult navigating the delicate balance to find the ability to “dream”and not get completely consumed and numbed by the uncertainty but to be able to appreciate the moment at the same time . I have a feeling I’m not alone in that…
My wish/prayer for 33 is that I don’t let difficult circumstance or whatever this next year holds numb me from dreaming, moving forward or doing good and and most importantly, from sometimes simply sitting in peace during the waiting… I think the key for me is seeing the beauty that is already right in front of my face… even in the toughest of days and circumstances, God’s mercies are new E V E RY D A Y …My goodness am I blessed. When I actually take a moment to fill myself with gratitude, instead of sitting in, “pity party for 1, your table is now ready” mode, I am just overwhelmed with love … I never want to overlook the amazing gifts in my life and my prayer and hope is to continue to fill my heart with gratitude for this life I been chosen to live and the love that I get to experience daily ….
Since college I’ve clung to the verse John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.“ … As I put Henley to sleep oh my birthday I grabbed a random book off her shelf and read her a story called “Take heart my Child” ….here is a passage:
“T he stars lit the sky with vision of gold
Laced with wishes for your fate to unfold.
May you strive to be happy, change your course If you’re not
embrace the worlds colors
Colors others forgot
but if you grow Lonely or stars disappear
take heart my child, I will always be near”
Take Heart my Child by Ainsley Earhardt
Maybe picking up that book on my birthday was a sweet reminder to “take heart” as I start out on year 33 … writing this long winded post not just as a “dear diary” but also to encourage my friends to continue to “take heart” and to find peace through the uncertainty of life, and love in the most unexpected or overlooked places …I’ll stop rambling now but “Take Heart” and much love to you all and thank you for making life special Xoxo
Cheers to 33 🍷
Plan C 